OMGeez

CUTE ANIMAL VIDEOS

2009-09-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

I think my heart just EXPLODED:

Also, this is hilarious:

GOD, Aubrey, seriously, get back to work.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

2009-09-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

The real question is where have I been, and there really is no good answer. Here's something new:

It's a tattoo! It's all healed now, but I don't have any pictures of the final product yet. Basically as soon as The Todd stopped tattooing me I wanted another one. Thank god it's a costly addiction, or I would have about five million. DON'T WORRY MOM! I'll just stick to cocaine for now!

I've been watching a lot of True Blood lately (enough that I've started thinking in Southern accents, no fucking joke), and I can't get over how great the opening credits are. A little labor-intensive research (read: wikipedia) informed me that they're done by a group called Digital Kitchen, who also do the opening credits for Six Feet Under, Dexter, House, and a bunch of other tv shows, as well as a ton of commercials. If you have a few minutes to be impressed, go here
and watch their videos. My favorite one is the opener for "The Company" [WATCH IT BELOW] which I guess was a miniseries? I don't even remember it airing, but watching the opening sequence is enough to have me adding the whole thing to my Netflix queue.

The Company Main Titles from DIGITALKITCHEN on Vimeo.

2009-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

THIS is way too much fun. You enter a URL or body of text and it tells you what words are used the most. For my blog, "like" and "movie" are vastly above all else. I'm kind of ashamed and also kind of proud. And why is Frodo so big? Have I really said it that often?

Let's get Gayrried

2009-05-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

That beautiful caption job was supposed to be for an article about how people need to get a grip and stop expecting Terminator: Salvation to be the second coming of post-apocalyptic adventure films, and just accept that it is an awesome action-adventure movie featuring hot people shooting things. Since when has that not been enough?

However, the sad news coming out of Sacramento today is making me rethink what's most important for me, a blogger with a clearly ENORMOUS following and the real chance to impact political decisions that have already been made, to talk about. So instead of calling out T:S haters, I'm going to pretend that my husband (seen above) is telling homophobes to fucking GET OVER IT already, because I can't believe we are still having this conversation. There's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said more eloquently, so let's just leave it at... fuck you, California. You're better than this.

Same Shit, Different Bidet

2009-05-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

I found this picture buried in my sketchbook. It's not clear what expression I thought I was drawing, but it sort of looks like she's about to let loose a serious fart. Good luck, lady!

I also found the drawing below. These ladies were in a "girlie show" in 1914, which is a fancy way of saying striptease. Strippers in the old days looked classier than regular people today. Is this progress?!?!?!

In other feminist news, the Vatican Army might start allowing women to join. Even though the modern woman in me (haha ew) is excited about this, I can't help but feel like it's another addition to a long line of shitty peace offerings to minority groups. Like gays in the army or getting to work as a bean-picker. Besides, can you imagine a lamer job? Does the pope even need protection? What can your silly Vatican guard hat do that an omnipotent protector can't? (besides look FABULOUS with heels?)

Actually I take back that last joke. For one thing, it was too easy. For another, God probably rocks the shit out of a pair of stilletos.

Ugh, Thursday.

2009-04-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of a lady in a big hat that I drew for my boss. Geez the scanner at work is crappy! I wish they still had hats like that. What's old is new again, right?

I'm trying to find tickets to visit the other half of my heart, Megan, in St. Petersburg, but they are all SO expensive! Why do planes cost so much money? Or more to the point, why don't I have lots of money? Then I wouldn't need Kevin Spacey to convince me to fly business class.

Anyway. Tuesday night I went to a special pre-screening of Public Enemies, the new Michael Mann movie. I felt like a star! Except for the hour-long wait and not being able to sit with my friend. A real movie star would never have had to put up with that shit! But the movie was good. Am I allowed to say that? They never said I couldn't. And I dare say I'm not ruining the story (public record!) I like John Dillinger but when are they going to make a movie about Ma Barker? I guess they sort of made one in '96 (ironically also called Public Enemies) but it looks like the worst thing ever. I want a good Ma Barker movie and I want Boney M to do the theme song:

Wolvertweens

2009-04-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

After MONTHS of scorn, my aversion to twitter disappeared in one lazy afternoon. Where is my resolve? Remember a little bit ago when I was bitching about my fear of technology? (me neither). Well, it turns out my fears and my scruples all pale in the face of mass conformity. Should I be ashamed about that? I guess I am a little. It's confusing when my idols are just as pathetic as I am.

On Wikipedia today I learned about allotropy, which is the ability of elements to combine with one another in different ways, producing totally different molecular structures (I'm paraphrasing and hopefully not getting it wrong). When most people think about allotropes... well, most people don't. But of those who do, most of them think of diamonds and granite, which are made of the same elements but obviously are not the same. But there are also lots of other kinds of allotropes, none of which are at all interesting. Except in the world of make-believe, where I learned that Adamantium has 13 allotropes that all do craaaaaaaazy shit to Wolverine. Speaking of which, did you know that Wolverines are part of the weasel family? Raise your hand if you're less impressed now.

And to the gents out there, even if you are lucky enough to find a girl who also thinks it's funny to fart in the bedroom, you still will probably not be able to get away with proposing with a piece of granite. I hope cleverness keeps you warm at night, because you'll be sleeping ALONE.

Britain DOES have talent

2009-04-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

My idol:

by luloczek

How can I describe how much I love this woman except to say that a lone tear escaped and trickled down my face like this:

(I was tempted to post a picture of Frodo crying after Gandalf disappears into the mines of Moria, so I googled "Frodo crying" and it was the first entry! ... I feel weird about that. I feel weird about all of this.)

Hit and a Miss

2008-11-19T00:34:00.000-08:00

HI GUYS! Sorry you've been missing out on my trademark wit and charm lately. I've been busy being a SUPER BORING adult, but ever since I won the Presidential election two weeks ago I've been trying to be more interesting. The American people deserve it!

Here's a picture to tide you over until I come up with something worth sharing with you.
Isn't he just a dream? I never had a mullet, but I had a rat tail for far longer than I should have. Remember when I talked about being a part of the glorious Newsies: redux backyard production? Here is proof:

I'm the hottie on the lower right. Can you believe that sexy pose? I wish I still looked this good.

tattoo update

2009-03-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

My friend the Chipster got himself a sweet tat last night (image altered to protect the sexy) and it reminded me that I should still be working on getting a sweet tat of my own. NOT A TATTOO. A sweet tat. Duh there's a difference.

Anyway, last time I talked about getting a tattoo I was debating between Eddie Campbell and some other sketch artists. Eddie Campbell was my frontrunner because he does messed-up scratchy line drawings like this:

and has a ravishing disregard for conventions of shading and clarity of image.

I also love that Eddie Campbell has the artistic ability to create incredibly realistic illustrations, but focuses his energies on conveying expression and mood.

Which is also why, when my tattoo ideas ran over to the other side of the Cold War, I started leaning towards the work of A. Nikitin, who no one has ever heard of except that he did the illustrations for Daniil Kharms' amazing book "Anecedotes from the Life of Pushkin."

Keep reading if you're willing to tolerate the complete geek-out that's about to happen over my fave Russian author. Otherwise scroll down for pictures of a hot chick in a bikini.

Anyway, Daniil Kharms was a totally weird motherfucker who lived in the Soviet period and wrote twisted children's stories and spent all of his money on weird hats. He was exiled and eventually put in a mental hospital, where he died of starvation during the Nazi blockade. I know you're starting to get depressed by this story, but you shouldn't be. Even though his life was the worst thing ever, he still wrote hilarious things and refused to wallow in the misery that was the status quo for most of his peers at the time. His humor was really Russian and I'm not goign to try to recreate it here, because (this is sounding boozhier than intended) it doesn't always translate that well. One time I was watching this episode of ER and one of the doctors said "life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you deal with what happens to you," and even though it's embarrassing to take a life motto from an ABC drama that jumped the shark when I was in middle school but still airs for some reason, I find that outlook really comforting. Kharms embodies that really well, which is why I like his works.

He did a lot of drawings of his own, but the images that capture his mood best of all are by the myseterious A. Nikitin, who I can't find anywhere else on the whole internet - shocking, I know. They're line drawings that are almost childlike in their simplicity, but the expressions are spot-on. So far I am leaning towards this image, if I can find a way to not do it in a box:

Any thoughts from the 4 people who read this?

And, as promised, two hot babes for the price of one:

ugh

2009-03-04T08:35:00.000-08:00

My landlady gave me a key to the downstairs door a couple days ago, and I lost it in a quick minute somewhere in my room. I have this memory of having found it last night and put it in my jeans, but it's not there. I think I dreamed it, but what a fucking dumb dream! Is that the best that I can come up with?? When my best friend Tina has a dream that she is conducting an important business meeting in a Rorschach mask and my response is "I had a dream that I found a key, but I didn't" that's fucking sad. And I apologize for the swearing but recent life stressers have made me a cranky little bitch. When you are annoyed enough to, without provocation, use "two shakes of a limp dick" as a measure of time, you need to unpack that yoga mat and get a fucking grip!

The Haunting

2009-02-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

People are always really worried about being haunted by ghosts, but it seems obvious to me that if you are being haunted, you probably did something to deserve it. The next time someone tells you that they are being haunted by a ghost, you should say "think back. Have you really really pissed off someone who then died? Did they die from being pissed off so hard?" You can also piss off someone who is already dead, like by sleeping with their widow(er) or desecrating their name. One time I said something mean about birds, and the next day the driver's side door of my car was covered in bird poop, even though I wasn't parked under a tree. They KNEW. And I paid for it.

Below is a picture I made of my friend Megan seeing me shrouded in the ghostly haze of the undead. See how I'm still smiling? Megan didn't upset me to the death, nor did she desecrate my memory by blowing off my FUNeral for a parking lot quickie or a JK Rowling book signing (which anyway would be forgivable).
I think that the percentage of angry-for-no-reason ghosts is equivalent to the percentage of people who put dirty syringes in change return slots in phone booths. It's just not that likely.
Probably you are dealing with some serious deflection issues and you need to take a good long look inside to see how your actions might be affecting others. Affecting them to death.

...that being said, try to avoid having sex in a cemetery. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, weirdo I studied abroad with)

2009-02-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

Question: is Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso hot?

Can you name your world leaders? Also, did you know that the Japanese legislature is called the Diet? They have a House of Representatives and a House of Councillors, which sounds cool and evil (not mutually exclusive!) Also, when they started the Diet system back in 1889 (the same year that two of my favorite corporations, Coca Cola and Nintendo, were founded) it was called the Imperial Diet, which sounds awesome. Do you think if I called my diet an Imperial Diet it would be easier to follow?

A Few Things...

2009-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

My best friend, confidante and artistic idol Megan has posted on her blog about the creative works of another dear friend of mine, Ian, who is marking the end of analog with a pirate TV performance on June 12th of this year. If you live in Pittsburgh you should check this out. You can even submit a video! (No porn, please.) Learn more about his project here.

When Ian and I lived together he was always fiddling around with some sort of tech thing or another, notably paper-mache speakers and cassette-tape wall art. I'm glad to know that he's still thinking big thoughts and sharing them with the universe thanks to the world wide web.

Here is probably my favorite picture of Ian (taken by this hottie):

That's a face ready to defend analog to the death (metal). Plus he's actually a really nice guy!

Remember that scene in Live Free or Die Hard when Thomas Gabriel tells John McClane, "you're an analog watch in a digital age, John." Sometimes I feel like that. But if you thought I wasn't embracing the suffocating grasp of technology, you're only part right! I may be afraid that my future children will grow up illiterate and lose their virginities in AOL chat rooms, but there are also some major advantages to having access to technology.

Advantage #1: Organ harvesting (the legal kind!)
Advantage #2: Electronic music. For example, last night I used TECHNOLOGY to make a headbanger playlist, which you can listen to right here!

Lets Get Fucked Up & Dance - White Knights

Probably this is a playlist best served with a side of glowsticks, ecstasy, and a bathtub full of laced punch, but we do what we can.

White Knights takes the stage

2009-01-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

Here is a DJ set that I made for the holidays. Don't you want me to play in your club? I thought so, club promoters!

Acme: Party ONE - White Knights

Oahu

2009-01-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

Here is another picture I drew! This one was for a coworker's birthday and I was three days late. I can't even cop out of getting a real gift successfully.
Man, between this picture and the picture I drew last week, where am I even finding the time to sleep, am I right? I am so busy and important and crazy succesful.

Anywonk. Who here watches Dr. Horrible? This is my new favorite pastime. Remember when I posted that one time that Conan O'Brien's Diary was the best thing to come out of the Writer's Strike of last year? (Besides fair distribution of ad fees blah blah blah who cares) Maybe I didn't post about it, maybe I just said it in conversation, or to my doll Max. What? I mean my friends. Anyway I stand corrected. My favorite thing about the writer's strike is now Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, a web exclusive from Joss Whedon (eh) and Neil Patrick Harris (hot) that features superheroes (always cool) and is a musical (very occasionally cool) but since it's Neil Patrick Harris singing it works for me (see: Prop 8 Musical). This is old news but it's new to me and I've watched it repeatedly.

2009-01-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

"Mmmm. Fajitas sound delicious!"

I drew this picture, which is actually not about fajitas. It's about two gents rescued from a ship sinking in the early part of the 20th century. Remember when people used to take ships everywhere?
Neither do I.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T15:54:00.000-08:00

I thought I could be ahead of the game this year and come up with the perfect gratingly-catchy rhyme-based sentiment to describe the new year, a "great in '08" for the new generation that isn't accurate enough to be depressing ("economic decline in 2009"). I turned to an online rhyming dictionary for answers, but came away more confused than ever.
Once you get into 6 syllable rhymes for nine things start to get interesting.
Personal favorites:
- alpine celery pine
- acoustic delay line
- willard van orman quine

Are these even real words?

Anyway, to ring in the new year I went to Riverside (home of the Whopper) to go to a New Year's Party at Megan's house, a small affair where I accidentally got drunk and then drunk-dialed my sister, who I forgot was with my mother. I PLAYED IT COOL but since both of them read this the secret's out.

Here's something irritating: when people say they are allergic to traits, behaviors, turn-of-phrases, etc. Example: In I, Robot Will Smith tells someone that he's "allergic to lying." NO YOU AREN'T WILL SMITH. Disapproval is not a disorder of the immune system.
I also hate it when people say they're allergic to foods that they don't like. Just say you don't like it! You're not offending the mushrooms by not liking them. They don't like you either! If mushrooms were anthropomorphic they'd probably want to thank you for not eating them anyway. That being said, it is my most ardent wish to have a real-life moment where I can be invited to eat shrimp for dinner and tell someone I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, due to my paralyzing allergy to oxymorons. If this happens I will even break out the epinephrine shot as a prop.

2009-01-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

According to BBC, Steve Jobs is in declining health. Perhaps his portrait was somehow damaged and all the sins went flying back onto his face.

2008-12-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

More reasons to love Jon Stewart, as if you needed any.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

SNOREZOPOLIS

2008-12-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

I posted a bunch of pictures on my flickr account of that semester I spent eating and feeling sorry for myself in Vladimir. You can look at them HERE. There are a lot of sad Russian winter pictures: sunless days, grey nights, dirty snow and homeless dogs. But there are also a lot of Russian fall pictures of miraculously blue days and beautiful churches and crap. What a weirdo country.

I took woodcarving lessons from an old dude who lived in the outer regions featured in the above photo. His house was even more intense. Every inch of it was carved. He had two grandchildren who lived with adopted parents in Indiana and had American names like Nick and Steve or something. The parents sent him long emails, which someone would translate into Russian for him. I told him if I was ever in Indiana I would look them up, but I haven't even written him a letter. I am a shitty ex-student.

I've been reading Craig Thompson's Carnet de Voyage lately. It's different than his other, more thought-out works, but also the same. Same borderline neurotic, self-effacing romantic sensibilities. It makes me want to return to my old Russian journals and drawings and compile them into a body of work that I wouldn't be ashamed to show people. I'm afraid I'll look back and find nothing but whining.

Boy has this blog been unhumorous recently. Here's an offensive joke:

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

Look to the comments section for the horrendous answer!

Sometimes I think about getting rid of comments, to delude myself that I have a myriad of avid readers and just don't have to time to respond to them. But I'm too desperate for human interaction. HAHAHA no, really.

the good kind of dairy

2008-12-06T17:04:00.000-08:00

This afternoon the movie Milk caused strange rumblings of emotion in the pit of my cold, dead heart. It's pretty fucking tragic that I knew almost nothing about Harvey Milk before watching this movie. Is nobody teaching history anymore? Why isn't this important?

I was trying to find the silver (okay, rainbow) lining of Prop 8 a few weeks ago, and I told my friend Elaine that it signaled, as all tragedies of civil rights do, a resurgence of a powerful tool of the cause called: giving a fuck. If you look back at the history of the gay rights movement in America, strides forward have been taken almost exclusively in response to tragedy. Stonewall? check. Harvey Milk? check. Matthew Shephard? check.

If there's any comfort to be taken away from the shitstorm that was Prop 8, it's that it startled a lot of complacent people enough to get pissed. I consider it a temporary setback - an awful and disappointing one to be sure, but temporary. There have always been gay people. There will always be gay people. Even if it takes another hundred years for the bigots to die out (and they will) there will be gay people in a hundred years too.

I had the privilege of seeing Angela Davis speak a few years ago, and what I remember most distinctly about the speech was her emphatic insistence that we remember the shitty, embarrassing parts of our history. Her example was Abu Ghraib. Mine is Matthew Shephard. Gus Van Sant's is Harvey Milk.

LOOK IT UP.

p.s. on the issue of Gay Activism (who?? what?) Durban Bud says this:

Besides protesting outside organizations that seek to demean us, the gays and their allies need to do something provocative to bring attention to the individual meanies who continually disrespect us behind our backs. An animal rights activist recently threw flour on poor Lindsay Lohan for wearing fur. In the past, similar activists have branded fur-wearing bitches with red paint. This strategy works. Whenever we now see a sophisticated woman in tears walking down the street with red paint splattered all over her fancy attire, we think to ourselves, "Wow -- that woman must hate animals, or maybe she must have gotten into a fight with her pimp. Regardless, I think I will avoid her in the future. She's scum."

Maybe instead of red paint or flour we could sprinkle our mean-spirited adversaries with glitter. Glitter might appear to be harmless and an easily removable annoyance, but, as someone who used to go clubbing regularly, I can attest that little specks of glitter -- covertly transmitted from brief non-consensual contact with a grinding tina twink -- will remain on your person for days until a senior VP points it out during an all-staff meeting in the company conference room by saying, "Can you turn your head a little bit? I think I saw a little sparkle shining on you or something." As he leans in for a closer inspection he shouts, "OMG -- are you wearing glitter?!?"

I LOVE THIS IDEA.

Astro Boyz

2007-09-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the rock and roll event of the year in Lorain Country, a little thing called the Black River Astronomy Club STAR PARTY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That's me posing with an alien I met there named Kwaan-Q337hiii. And Jorge, who is not an alien even though he is from Peru (LEGAL CITIZENSHIP, lolz). Kwaan-Q337hiii is carrying the Orb of Life, the last hope for survival on his home planet Sega-559. I dropped and broke it, whoops! I feel really bad, so I'm letting him stay on my couch for a couple weeks while he looks for a new place.

Duck Tales!

2008-05-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Look at all of the movies there are out there that feature the keyword "duck"!!! (Also there are 4 movies that involve the words "drunk stork" which is weird.)

Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, yesterday Megan and I became proud temporary foster parents of this little bundle of fuzz!!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW is right!!

Megan found Duckie and siblings swimming in a drain! Oh nooooo!

Luckily, a quick call to our friendly neighborhood fire department brought out several cop cars and eventually a water tanker to try and fish the little duckies out!

Mama duck was there for most of it, collecting her little babies, but by the time we fished this one out she had gone away. Homeless duck! Well, not for long. Yours truly and yours truly's platonic life partner took the duck home and cared for him, and it was probably the best thing ever. Did he sit on my tummy watching Rambo with me? Did he fall asleep under my sweatshirt? Did he give me duck kisses? (the answer is yes).

This morning he was taken to the Back to the Wild Wildlife Rehabilitation Center (voted Animal Planets Hero of the Year in 2006!), which was the right (but sad!) thing to do. By the time he left us, Megan and I had a routine down that involved alternating shifts of mid-night check-ups to make sure he was warm enough. We were young mothers! Duckie had grown so accustomed to us as new mommies that if we put him on the ground he would follow us. AWWWWWWWW cute overload INDEED. We didn't name him because we didn't want to get attached, but we got attached anyway.

There are more and better pictures (and real live video footage) on other cameras, which obviously I will post asap. Duck love!

Other examples of great ducks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te1vaLCfOYQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97H1dToqfxY

2008-05-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

My time (since saying goodbye to Duckie, and no I have not recovered yet) has been spent in the following ways:

-Drinking to excess
-Writing 24 pages, 12 of them on the death of art (I don't think it's dead, that was the paper! I talked about Leonardo DiCaprio so you know it's getting an A) and 12 of them on how when Russian men gang-raped women in the Soviet Union they were really using the victim's body as a way to have sex with one another to achieve the ultimate in Proletarian communion (depressing I know)
-Taking too many pictures with my almost-dead digital camera (graduation gift?)
-Dancing
-Wondering why it's still raining in Oberlin

It's 4:46 in the morning and it's pouring rain. My windows were open earlier and when I came home I tried to close them but one of them was stuck! Should I go outside, into the rain, in my pajamas, to close it from the outside, or should I leave it open even though it means I'll be freezing all night?

*this is the part where I'm debating*

I'm leaving it open. Apparently I prefer long periods of moderate discomfort over a short period of extreme discomfort, especially if the extreme discomfort involves trying to find shoes.

The internet, morality vacuum number one, spat this gem at me the other day. What's weird is that the "related videos" section advertises this "rare, incredible performance" by KISS. I don't get it. What do KISS and Hitler have in common?
1. Easily recreatable costumes (for the record, I do not recommend this)
2. Live fast, die young?
This list isn't working. The second one doesn't even make sense. It's too late at night, I have to go to bed.

GOD there is an overwhelming amount of pornography on the internet. Statistically speaking, what percentage of Americans do you think are bumping uglies on the WWW?