OMGeez

MIZZ Jackson

2011-09-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

I believe I previously mentioned that I would be attending a Janet Jackson concert at the Greek Theatre as a birthday present to myself. Well, I did (I would have punched a baby in the nose to get there - luckily it didn't come up) and I think my emotions can best be expressed by the following:

You're probably thinking to yourself "wow, that Janet concert must have been amazing!" Well, multiply your imagination by 30007% and you'll have some idea. Later on I was having a moment with Janet's music video collection, and I happened upon a song I didn't know very well and it's corresponding delightful video:

Oh Janet, you're so great!

JAM OF THE DAY:

2011-09-09T08:37:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone, I'm back!

2011-07-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

Today I bought two very adult things at the grocery store:

1. Women's Once-A-Day, because I need more calcium!

2. Airheads, BECAUSE I CAN

It's sad to think that when I was a kid, I had a fantastic imagination about the things I was going to buy when I had money - now that I do have money I spend it on boring stuff like food and rent. Did you know that I have NEVER bought one Siberian tiger? My life has been wasted.

Here is a video starring the amazingly funny Melissa McCarthy who I knew was more than Gilmore Girls ever let her be. Also starring Joel McHale, who grew up in Seattle which means we are probably meant to be.

2011-04-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

It is the 60th birthday of one of my co-workers here. Because she is awesome, she's actually proud of this instead of trying to hid in her late 50s forever - so to celebrate I am having everyone make her some art (hey, I don't work at an art school for nothing!) to make into a booklet. It's been awesome seeing what people come up with when they are freed from parameters and allowed to do what's in their hearts. Here's the one I made:

Modern Jamz

2011-03-23T13:08:00.001-07:00

Hello everybody!

Ten-Twenty-Ten by Generationals from Jubadaba on Vimeo.

I like this song. I also like the video, because a) it is found-art-fabulous and b) I think it's fun to watch what groups with smaller budgets do to distinguish their music videos from the pack. In this case I think it is a SUCCESS.

Here is another video that probably cost not too much to make but is really entertaining because it is full of JOIE DE VIVRE. Don't you want to be a fun-loving, sexually ambiguous young person exploring nature + dance music with your closest shirtless pals on a hillside in summer? I KNOW I DO.

MEN - Off Our Backs from Paul Tao on Vimeo.

MEN is the newest project from the fine ladiez behind Le Tigre. I am a big fan of leading hottie JD Samson because she is very comfortable with who she is and she doesn't give a fuck what you think. Look how hot she is! She is a great role model for women who might feel like there is only One Way to be a woman (heads up: there is NOT) and that they are not that one type. She is like a walking spokesperson for It Gets Better (not to mention an actual spokesperson for It Gets Better). I was lucky enough to see Le Tigre play at the Oberlin College Drag Ball 2004 (I believe I went as Jeff Spiccoli that year) and they are great. Great people making great music and making women feel great about themselves. Awesome all around!

In unrelated news, did I really just get an email from MySpace saying "Aubrey, see what your friends are up to!" I already know - they're up to not having MySpace accounts anymore. Puh-lease.

2011-03-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

2011-03-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to expand my artistic horizons recently, and step one was taking up PAINTING! Results so far have been average, for example here is a picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme I tried to make.

Granted I could have chosen an easier subject but also the medium just makes it generally more difficult for me. So I also did a pencil drawing for the same person I was gifting JCVD to, to redeem myself - it is of Clint Eastwood, and actually looks more or less like Clint Eastwood. Who, you ask? This sort of obscure actor-type, hasn't done a lot lately, but here is his face:

Anyway. Did you know that they bred a miniature husky dog? It is called the Alaskan Klee Kai or AKK, and it is ADORABLE. Now, you know that I am a firm believer in getting a rescue if you want a pet - there is a huge need out there! Not to mention mixed breeds are generally smarter and have fewer defects and make you a lifesaving superstar. But that doesn't mean I don't think this is the cutest thing ever:

LIFE IS SO DELICIOUS

2011-02-19T00:11:00.000-08:00

Feeling down?

Do yourself a favor and make a list of five AWESOME things that happened to you this week. If you had a shitty week you may have to work harder or settle for things that are less-exciting than "went on a date with Brad Pitt" (like me) BUT I BELIEVE IN YOU. Maybe you were on time to work every day! Or cut down on your coffee intake! Or had a mad delicious meal with a friend you haven't seen in a while!

HINT: sarcastic entries, such as "NOT fired this week..." are welcome and encouraged, since they are still AWESOME THINGS and also because you just might make yourself giggle thinking about it. Isn't laughter the best therapy??

Friends, life is like a boat floating on an enthusiastically buoyant ocean. Sometimes things are up and sometimes they are down, but if you can spend the times when you are down looking up towards the next crest, things will probably be okay.

Also for the record, I am sober. Except for being high off of that KITTY! LOOK AT THAT FACE!

I WILL be a drag, thank you.

2011-02-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Here is a piece of art that I made:

That new, much anticipated song "Born This Way" is out now (via bizarrely sexualized egg-birthing) and there's no way I'm going to be able to articulate my thoughts on it half as well as Party Monster James St. James, so let me direct you to his succinct dissection of her lyrics:

A gay anthem, whether it's "I Will Survive" or "The Man That Got Away" or "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," BECOMES a gay anthem because we find ourselves empathizing with the singer's passion or pain or exuberance. It's the realization that their pain is our pain too, that their joy is our joy etc. It's that our commonality has brought us together. It's ALMOST NEVER because it was written FOR GAY MEN TO HELP GAY MEN DEAL WITH BEING GAY MEN.

Gaga's stated support for the gay community impressive but notwithstanding, I have trouble connecting with a track that's so blindly derivative of earlier works, with lyrics that are this cringe-worthy in their perspicuity. Seriously, "don't be a drag, just be a queen?" Or how about the subtle "No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life... I was born to survive?" What, does she think gay people are incapable of understanding metaphor? A track that feels obligated to repeatedly call out its intended audience in its lyrics is BEYOND pandering. It's to me reminiscent of the 2008 arguments that black people would vote for Obama for his race, and women for Hilary for her gender; the transparency of these lyrics spells to me Gaga's distrust that gay people have the capacity to be anything more than just gay, to connect to songs not specific and exclusively crafted for the gay cause.

Gay icons, while often known to be supportive of the gay community, are not given icon status simply for championing the cause. As Newsweek says of the phenomenon of gay icons, the community "ha[s] an affinity to people who, like them, have faced adversity, and who, like them, have had to fight to become the person they want to be. This adversity could be drugs; it could be a propensity for making the wrong choices in men; it could be fictional adversity, as in the kinds of roles a certain actress always portrays (Joan Crawford in "Mildred Pierce," "Johnny Guitar," etc.). Or it could be a smothering mother like Big Edie. Our icons tend to be vulnerable but strong in the face of adversity." With all due respect to Ms. Germanotta, whose personal history I know little about (and seems also to not be a part of her Gaga persona), she does not seem to have struggled all that hard to become the person who she is. Her affectations of oppression-overcoming are similar to the real thing, but without the sense that there is any real struggle behind them they come across as transparent and ultimately meaningless.

So by all means, Gaga, dress bizarrely, glorify individuality and sexual freedom, and keep championing the cause of equality off stage. On-stage, give us a little more credit.

2011-01-26T10:04:00.000-08:00

"The first thing a black president would do in the White House is change the carpet." Obama needs to start living up to Richard Pryor's campaign promises...

HELLO WORLD

2011-01-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

My thoughts on being involved in the world right now are as follows:

After suffering a tragic breakup on Monday I decided to throw myself back into the universe by way of a stand-up comedy class, which means next Wednesday I have to humiliate myself in front of strangers! This time on purpose! As way of slim comfort I was sent by a well-wisher a video of a comedian completely BOMBING.

You'd think it would make me nervous to watch him fail, but come on... there is no way I can do worse than this guy. My approach to comedy isn't dissimilar to my approach to swim team when I was in high school - I don't need to be the best, I just need to be not the worst. YEAH, I HAVE GOALS.

Here, have a song:

2011-01-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hi team! Sorry I was complaining yesterday. Wash the taste of my banal ennui and probably-too-soon 9/11 jokes out of your mouths with this amazing picture of today's Daily Kitten. See, if the heavens (or hells, whatever you believe) wanted 2011 to be terrible they wouldn't have allowed such an adorable kitten to exist. So let's get our global high five on!

First news tidbit of the year: I am super into cats now, ever since I took care of my friend's cat Isis (artist rendering below) who is now the only cat I ever want to own and I am seriously considering stealing (just kidding! ... probably).

This picture is of Isis' backside while she cuddled next to me on the bed one evening. Isis loves to cuddle. When it is cold outside, Isis will kiss your nose to get your attention, and then curl up against you under the covers. Isis is super fat and tries to take human food away from you while you are eating. She also gets super grumbly when you first come home if you've left her alone all day, but the minute you sit down she forgets to be mad and decides to snuggle with you instead. Isis is perfect.

welcome back

2011-01-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from all of us in the Tuohy family, and ME, Aubrey, neglector of this blog.

So! It is 2011 now. So far, this has been a super dumb year, with almost everything I've been involved with sucking to at least some degree. But what do you expect from a year that asks us to spend a solid 30 days writing "9/11" on everything? This year is all like "hey Aubrey, fuck you. Oh, and don't forget about the World Trade Centers. They're gone now. Terrorist attack." And I'm like "ugh trying to move on, 2011. Thanks for nothing."

This blog post brought to you by: DELIRIUM!

2010-11-15T15:25:00.001-08:00

It is grey and gross outside, and it is a Monday, and I am back to work after a five-day weekend with my sister in the bay. You know what that means! It's CHILLWAVE TIME!

Today's Chillwave track is brought to you by

a) Small Black

b) the letter "MOROSE"

Here's a trancy chillwavy video with all the right levels of disenchantment appropriate for this weather:

Small Black - Photojournalist from Birgit Suitsu on Vimeo.

This girl is totally jocking my current fashion mood, which is black with accents of neon. Also, I desperately want the colored-tights thing to work, but honestly I just don't think that it does! The legs are just not the greatest place for loud colors, I'm sorry. On the other hand I think I have accepted/might actually dig the short shorts/black tights combo. And I'm not just saying that because it's starting to get chilly and I have lots of shorts and only one pair of wearable pants. But I am. And I do.

Anyway, enjoy this song, sober or otherwise.

oh hayyy

2010-10-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

What's better than blowing sparklers off your nips? (besides EVERYTHING?)

Having a phone mouth, that's what!! (what?)

Cassius - I Love U So

This video is oddly mesmerizing even though I guess technically nothing is actually happening. I think mesmerizing is also the best word to describe most Cassius songs. Remember when they did that song with Jocelyn Brown, Inner-Life singer and owner of the key to my heart? And the Sound of Violence, probably my favorite Cassius track, not least because they used Steve Edwards for vocals AND because they featured it in a QAF dance scene AND because the music video is like riding a late-90s virtual reality ride at Disneyland. Oh Cassius! You make me (and the French house music scene) proud!

Ugh fine.

2010-10-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was going to make fun of Katy Perry's new video for implying that shooting fireworks from your tits inspires you to interfere with the domestic violence in your household, or stump your would-be muggers with magic tricks, or somehow cures pediatric cancer... BUT much as I find Katy Perry obnoxious and woefully uninformed on Eastern European history, it's pretty hard for me to hate on anything that involves gays kissing or chubby girls loving themselves. So I'm giving this video a pass.

I still haven't forgiven her for fetishizing lesbian relationships or shooting forth whipped cream from her nipples while simultaneously destroying any lingering fondness for Candyland I could have had.... but I'm going to let this one slide.

2010-10-16T13:11:00.001-07:00

I know this has been posted and reposted by everyone under the sun, but on the off-chance that you haven't seen it PLEASE take 13 minutes out of your day to watch this video. Joel Burns, a City Council member from Fort Knox in Texas, took to the podium to talk about growing up gay as a sort of unofficial entry in Dan Savage's wildly successful It Gets Better campaign. This is one of the best ones I've seen, and more than worth the few minutes it will take to watch.

He could not possibly have more of my vote.

2010-10-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling grumpy because of a parking ticket I TOTALLY DIDN'T DESERVE. But the real problem is that this is the third day in a row that something or other has given me the grumps, which is not an emotional place I want to be in. To stave off these dumb feelings I have been watching/listening to these two things on repeat:

1. HARVARD SAILING TEAM: BOYS WILL BE GIRLS

It's funny because it's TRUE! Not to enforce gender stereotypes buttttttttt sometimes they exist for a reason. More importantly, these boys nail EVERY expression, every intonation, everything is SPOT ON. I like to just open this video up in the background and play it while I do work.

2. BIG CITY HIT RADIO

Big City Hit Radio is the fab Eastern European radio show on iTunes (look under "80s Flashback" to find it) that is playing me "24/7 non-stop the best 80s and 90s hits" to serenade me through these troubling times. And it's WORKING! As I was typing this to you I was treated to a transition from Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" to the Ace of Base version of "Cruel Summer" to "St. Elmo's Fire." This is JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

Another thing that is helping:

VINTAGE IAN McKELLEN

2010-09-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

LOOK HOW SEXY!

McKELLEN IS BRINGING IT IN THIS PICTURE.

Ian McKellen is giving such amazing face right now I can't even begin to handle it.

Doing it Right!

2010-08-30T11:39:00.001-07:00

They've done it again!

The always entertaining OK Go have a new video out that's as inventive and mesmerizing as their reputation has led us to expect from them. Watch below:

Fun fact: in high school I was a big OK Go fan - this was back when they had just released their first album and I would listen to "Get Over It" on my discman (yes, this happened) and dream about how hot Damien Kulash (the lead singer) was, in a lovechild-of-Beck-and-Cillian-Murphy sort of way.

I even saw them in concert, and met the bass player afterwards who told me that the first girl he ever loved was named Aubrey. Being the chubby, poorly-styled teen that I was this meant a LOT. Sort of still does, actually.

Anyway watch this video! I always give credit for things shot in places that I recognize, so I give it 5 extra points for being set at Echo Park. I'm also giving it bonus points because in addition to being an entertaining watch and something of a cinematic feat, as I understand it was done in one shot (!! Russian Ark 2.0) , it's also a pretty GREAT song. You can download it for yourself here!

native daughter... white girl.

2010-08-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

IS THIS THE FACE OF A KILLER?

Well, maybe not a killer, but this adorable monster did cause ER-level damage to my hands after wandering onto campus when I was at work last Wednesday and biting me after we had walked and fed him and made shelter arrangements. I am really hoping that nothing bad happens to him because he is still a little munchkin, and while he went to a no-kill shelter I know that the LAW doesn't take kindly to outlaws, bank robbers and bitey small dogs.

I had to take a couple of days off of work because both my hands were bandaged and because I was enjoying the company of a little something I like to call Codeine. The dogs bites are not so bad and I am even bandage-free now and able to type/eat/text, all of those HIGHLY VALUABLE skills (especially texting). But I took it a little hard because it is part of a long string of unfortunate luck I've been having lately, like a car accident, split lip, dead iPod, flat tire, reaction to antibiotics, ETCETERA (more like ennuicetera!)

I am auditing a class at Yale right now via the World Wide Web called "the American Novel Since 1945." The prof is currently discussing the life of Richard Wright, who according to Wikipedia grew up the son of a single mother in the Racist South where they had to live in rented rooms because people kept killing their relatives. I sort of feel like Richard Wright is trying to upstage the misery of my own life. YOU WIN, RICHARD WRIGHT.

(Wikipedia sidebar: whenever I start to type "Wikipedia" into my Google Chrome search bar, it suggests that I click on "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Cosby" even though I don't remember ever having read about Bill Cosby online. This is also the ONLY wikipedia suggestion that it gives me. I feel like this is Bill Cosby viral marketing.)

Anyway I am hopeful that I will start having some good luck soon, since I am long overdue for it. Here's a melancholy song by swedish hottie Rosanna that has been keeping me company in my present state:

2010-08-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in Vegas in what was a shockingly unexciting trip (I mean, except for the rampant drug use... AM I KIDDING?) No, but seriously, it was too hot to do anything but stay inside or by the pool, which was fine by me because I needed a relaxing vacation. and because our hotel, Bally's, featured possibly the best thing that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Is this the slot machine of my DREAMS? All signs point to YES. First of all... it's beautiful. Second of all, it payed out to me like a motherfucker! Finally I have earned back all of the money that I spent watching Fellowship of the Rings in theaters seven times (... please still be my friend). Another reason to love this, one that I unfortunately didn't benefit from, is that you can create a username and play it like an ongoing game, earning "miles" as you journey to Mordor that pay out more and open up bonus opportunities. I swear to god, if I had money to burn, I would have shelled out obscene amounts for the thrill of the game. As it stands, however, I played as a guest and I still won a ton of money in a variety of delightful ways.

Here is a picture of me with some of my WINNINGS! Special attention should be paid to the hot trick in the tie dye behind me...

Yes.

2010-08-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

According to the internet I am behind the times in discovering Brett Domino, but I am seriously entertained by his geeked-out renditions of today's Radio 40 hits:

My favorite parts of this video are:

* his use of instruments, most of them completely foreign to me but also completely awesome
* his facial expressions
* his accent
* THAT SWEATSHIRT

This video also reminds me of something that Rafael (who is in his words "focusing on [his] writing right now" HERE) sent me once, which is a comedy troupe pointing out that all pop songs are formulaic and uninspired. For the record, this is NOT a problem for me and it shouldn't be for you either. Major chords make our synapses happy, don't fight it!

Love to love you baby

2010-08-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

In all the tumult of getting/falling in love with/blogging about Stacey Q, I completely forgot to mention the other steal I got at the flea market last weekend. FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS:

Don't worry guys, the neon green is just a (highly professional looking) digital addition, the poster itself is in mint condition and is hanging proudly in my bedroom. Unfortunately I'm having a little trouble finding an affordable 2' x 3' frame for it, but I have faith. I mean, I found this for a DOLLAR hidden inside an equally pristine copy of her two-disc Greatest Hits album "On the Radio" ... obviously the universe is on my side.

On my quest to find and own every Donna Summer album made (so far I'm at four, and steadfastly refusing to involve the internet in the search) this is a HUGE boost. GO TEAM!!!

2010-08-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

Mariah Carey posted this picture on Twitter of her new puppy Jackie LambChops. Couldn't you just DIE?

It must be love.

2010-08-01T23:10:00.001-07:00

Today Will and I went to the Flea Market and discovered the BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. No, not a pathway to the stars (... YET!) but the Stacey Q. album Better Than Heaven. This is an apt title because Stacey Q. is better than heaven.

Critics Review:

"Every track is gold!" - Will

I invested in the album primarily because "Two of Hearts" is in itself worth $1, and also because of the album art (see above) but now I understand that I was given a GIFT, the gift of getting to fall in love with a beautiful woman and her even more beautiful synthesizer.

IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT STACEY Q:

::: Stacey Q used to ride elephants in the Barnum and Bailey Circus

::: Stacey Q is friends with Cloris Leachman

::: Stacey Q is a classically trained dancer

::: Stacey Q studied Buddhism in Nepal

::: Stacey Q was on The Facts of Life as "Le Cinnamon"

::: Stacey Q and Kylie Minogue: have you ever seen them together? Are they the SAME PERSON?

::: Stacey Q is gorgey

::: Stacey Q is an angel

::: Stacey Q used to call herself "Dutch Puppet"

::: Stacey Q can call me anything she wants

::: contrary to popular belief, Stacey Q is not Rachel Zoe... OR IS SHE

Even though "Two of Hearts" was her highest-charting track and she is generally referred to as a one-hit wonder, she's actually just a wonder and every single song on this album is better than the last.

Listen to the track "We Connect" and tell me you don't believe me.

Stacey Q - We Connect
Uploaded by jpdc11. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Um, in summary: Stacey Q. is love.

gross

2010-07-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

Do you think there’s an inevitability to scientific discoveries? If Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb, how long do you think it would have taken for someone else to invent it? When Charles Darwin wrote The Origin of Species he was rushing against other scientists who had discovered the same thing at the same time. In some ways his biggest accomplishment was getting his works published first.

So is it really fair to say "how one powerful idea changed America" (I'm looking at YOU, Time Magazine) when chances are someone else would have come up with the same theory in a few years?

In case the douchery of this post is driving you crazy, enjoy this Yazoo song that everybody forgets about but that nobody should.

Brilliant but Cancelled

2010-07-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night my friend Andrew introduced me to the television show of my dreams that sadly will never be. The internet savvy may already be aware of this but it was my first time seeing the Conan O'Brien/Robert Smigel produced, never-aired, Adam West-starring television DREAM "Lookwell."

West plays the titular character, an out-of-work actor known for heading a detective show, who thinks he can help the police department solve crimes. The show combines the fantastic film style of the late 80s/early 90s with West spoofing himself in an obvious lead-up to the work he does on Family Guy. In short, it's amazing. While I don't understand WHY ON EARTH NBC decided to pass on this project, I'm mollified by whatever sweet angel from the heavens deigned to release it on youtube. Humble thanks to the Elders of the Internet for this gift:

El Secreto es that this movie is great

2010-06-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Tina told me I absolutely HAD to go see Argentine's entry to the 2009 Oscars (which took home the WIN no big deal), The Secret in Their Eyes. Everybody, stop what you are doing and go see this now! I laughed, I cried, I gasped, I held my breath for extended and potentially unhealthy amounts of time, I stared unabashedly at Soledad Villamil's sexy crow's feet, I ate popcorn... it was the perfect movie! Two and a half hours and I didn't once check my watch, I was so gripped. SEE IT!

Many Happy Returns... to Me.

2010-06-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

I know I've been gone for a while, but it's because I was on vacation! Being back, now for almost two weeks, has been a learning process in what it means to have to go back to being an adult after a week without any personal responsibility. This is how I feel most days:

Anyway, I'm back now, but with shockingly little to say. In place of any actual conversation, here is a horribly offensive joke I heard that you will feel bad for laughing about:

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A gang bang!

Thanks critically-acclaimed filmmaker Lena Dunham for that totally appropriate and sensitive joke. If you're reading this in the office and you laugh and someone asks why, just tell them this office-humor joke:

How many people in middle management does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

... I'll get back to you.

C'est gay

2010-06-01T08:50:00.001-07:00

McDonald's France came out with this ad recently featuring a certain Dreamé McDreamerson talking to his boyfriend on the phone while his dad collects their meal. Watch below:

This commercial left me with some questions:

1. Does France have a reputation for being more welcoming of the gay community than the USA? (people with "the French ARE gay!" joke feedback need not apply)

2. HOW CUTE IS THAT LITTLE TWINKIE (rhetorical question! answer: SO CUTE)

3. Is it really progressive to have a gay commercial if the commercial is about someone who isn't out to the people around him? Don't you think the ad could have been as effective if the dad had been proud of his gay son instead of in the dark?

What are your thoughts on this matter? PS do yourselves a favor and don't go to the youtube page to read the comments. People suck.

bitch pleeeeeez

2010-05-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

It recently came to my attention that my last few blog posts have been a little... I believe the term is bitchy? But I promise I am actually in a good place in my life! Sometimes when you're writing stuff you imagine it being said with a certain shall-we-say biting wit, but in reality you sound like a stone cold bitch sitting alone in her room harping on celebrities, aka basically this girl:

[Editor's note: you will probably not laugh that much watching this, but then later you will start saying it in your head as a response to real -life situations, laugh, and then realize there are people around you. I mean, if you're me that is.]

Though the comparisons between myself and this sad tramp are... more common than I'd care to admit (for the record I am well aware of where America is), I don't think of myself as quuiiiiiite that sad of a human. I love the world! Birds are chirping, Bees are stinging, whatever else is happening, and it feels like a great time to be alive.

To clean your brains of the filth I've been spewing, here is a video of a long-haired dachshund puppy playing in the snow.

Long-haired dachshunds are my new dream dog because they have the face of my old dog Jasper and the ears of my mom's tollers, on the body of a weiner dog! It's a perfect storm. Living in LA has taught me the true beauty of the pocket-sized dog, especially as I live in an apartment. Here is a picture of my friend Shaun's dog Cody. Cody is basically a neck pillow that licks.

I want one.

HAYYY

2010-05-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that Mystery Team comes out. I am SO EXCITED for this movie. I was stupid, and I didn't go see it when it was in LA (not entirely my fault, since it was in only one theater for not even a week and I AM BUT ONE WOMAN), but I blindly invested in the DVD based entirely on this:

The only thing that is unappealing to me about this movie is Aubrey Plaza. Not because Aubrey Plaza is unappealing, but because that trick stole my name and I'm still not over it. When I was a young girl I had as good a chance of being a google search result (future technology) as anyone else. Then Aubrey O'Day came along, and it was annoying but I at least felt superior to her because of obvious reasons (she's a slut). But Aubrey Plaza is funny and talented, and a worthy name opponent. THAT DUMB BITCH.

[Editor's note: I was going to post a picture of Aubrey DeGrey, Dr. of Gerontology and resident weirdo, but his beard is WAY too intense for me. The only beards I want posted on my blog should be standing next to hunky gays!]

Improvement on creepy beard photo: AUBREY BEARDSLEY drawings! (GET IT?)

This post brought to you by: crippling exhaustion.

get LOST (GET IT??!?!)

2010-05-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Like most of America, I was excited for the LOST finale last night. Not because I watch Lost, but because I'm thrilled that people will finally shut up about Lost. Seriously people need to get a grip. Do I spend my days losing my shit all over Twitter and Facebook about the shows I watch? No, because I am an adult.

The third most searched thing on Google is "Lost Finale Explanation." Shouldn't it be "why is that guy STILL fat after 6 years of a scavenger lifestyle?" My friend Tina who watched the show tells me this is one of the "mysteries of the island." WTF IS THAT.

Listen guys, I'm not trying to be counterculture here. I really tried to like Lost. Granted, I came into it a little resentful because diverting JJ Abram's attention was a death sentence for Alias, but I still tried.

You know what I'd rather spend six years of my life watching?

yes

2010-05-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

I love this and I want one.

ENVISION : Step into the sensory box from SUPERBIEN on Vimeo.

jonas OH NOthers

2010-05-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went to the Grove (outdoor mall where you can run into TI at the Apple Store if you are my roommate) with my mom to see Ironman 2, this French indie flick that's been getting a lot of buzz. (cue me sitting here trying to find a way to type "Robert Downey Jr." so as to make it sound French) POUR LE SAKE DU LE JOKE.

ANYWAY I walked to the Grove because walking is good for your health and good for your stomach fat. It was hot out, and unpleasant, and afterwards I turned down a ride home from my mother because I was willing to accept the hot, unpleasant walk home in exchange for the opportunity to go to the MAC counter at Nordstroms and look at the lipsticks. Unfortunately for me, THE JONAS BROTHERS were playing a concert at the Grove that afternoon and they had completely closed off Nordstroms for the event.

Now, I like the Jonas Brothers as much as any adult (aka... not very much) but they RUINED my dream trip to the MAC counter. Those little fuckers (or should I say "not"-fuckers) got me trapped in a throng of pre-teenage girls so stifling I emerged coated in a cloud of Victoria's Secret perfume and acne medication. I take back every time I ever responded to someone's anti-Jonas diatribe with "I dunno, Burnin' Up is a fun song." No more, Jonas Brothers. NO MORE.

Drama.

2010-05-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

My fridge broke yesterday. Is it unreasonable to expect that my landlady fix it ASAP? Because she seemed to think so.

Worst part of fridge breaking:
the smell oozing forth into our apartment

(editor's note: oozing forth from the warming fridge, not rotting food. I am not a monster.)

Best part of fridge breaking:
My stepbrother responding to me saying "my fridge died" with "then you better go catch it! ... wait that's not right."

Speaking of my step-brother, HELP A BROTHA OUT and vote for his band Hello! Highwater to play the Warped Tour this year. If you are a teenage alt-punk girl in the Northwest you probably already know him but if not listen to his sweet jams HERE. When I was a teenager I wanted to go to the Warped Tour SO BAD. When I finally went last year it was a bit of a let-down, mostly because I am a senior citizen in punk-years, and because apparently Blink-182 no longer performs. Why do dreams always have to die?

Yes? Yes.

2010-05-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's happening, I just know that I like it.

update!

2010-05-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm having a lot of WHAT IS MY LIFE -based self reflection lately. Even though this song is not about wondering what you want out of life, it still makes me feel way better to listen to it on repeat. Problem?

My bestie Liz offered the following advice, which I think is good:

I especially love her addendum at the end that Post-Grad is NOT a realistic depiction of the struggles of post-graduate life in 2010. It feels very frustrating to want to do things with your life that require money, freedom, and experience, none of which you have as an impoverished young adult with no job experience and a useless liberal arts degree. Although I will ALSO say that watching Reality Bites doesn't always make me feel better either, because I wish the worst of my problems was that the version of my show that was bought by MTV isn't aligned with my artistic vision. #FirstWorldProblems

an open letter of apology.

2010-05-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel a little bad about what I said about Aaron Johnson, because at the time I didn't realize he was actually dreamy. I mean, normally I find the Jewfro to be an oddly attractive look on a man, but in his case I much prefer the don't-mind-me-I'm-on-my-way-to-the-Warped-Tour-and-have-you-heard-my-shitty-band? look for him. OBSERVE:

So anyway, APOLOGIEZZZ HOT BOI.

Editor's note: this post inspired by my not especially proud swooning over this shitty pop song and memories of being a high school loser and being obsessed with Georgia Nicolson. Normally I don't like thinking about my past because the entire debacle of my teenage years was far beyond the Valley of the Pathetico, but my love of these books (and burgeoning friendship with internet allstar and best friend tinakarenina) are a brief, blinding bright spot in the darkness of adolescence.

Don't judge me.

rude talk

2010-05-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

Aaron Johnson's high school reunion: "Hi, have you met my 10 year-old child, or my 56 year-old wife?

FUN WITH EMOJI!

2010-04-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

OFFENSIVE.

WHY AM I PERPETUATING THESE STEREOTYPES?

AND WHY DIDN'T I CHARGE MY IPHONE BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE?

whaaaaaaaat?

2010-04-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

Look at this awesome machine!! Okay okay this post is stolen from Very Short list, so instead of pretending it isn't I'm just going to tell you what they have to say:

"Codeorgan uses a complex algorithm to analyze the content of the given page and then “define the key, synth style and drum pattern most appropriate to the page content.”

Here's mine!

And you can make your own:

(also stolen from VSL, my favorite site so far and theirs: the weather channel)

Ha.

2010-04-22T09:48:00.001-07:00

This is a true story: I was just going through some papers on my desk and I discovered this.

I can't decide if I should be amused that I wrote it, or depressed that I couldn't even check it off. Important questions are being raised about my life based on this discovery.

Ripped from the headlines of my life.

2010-04-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Here is what it looks like when a dog trips while running and falls headfirst into a pool.

And this is what it looks like when you rescue that dog from the pool and it sees that you are laughing at it.

aubrey's dreams

2010-04-16T23:17:00.001-07:00

a gay in a room full of disco balls? hellooooooo

oh my lord.

2010-04-13T09:05:00.001-07:00

Where oh where did this picture come from? I mean besides my dreams.

LET ME BLOW YA MIND

2010-03-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'd like to extend my thanks to the internet for inviting me into the world of TOMMY WESTPHALL. Or should I say universe? Today I completely-on-accident wandered onto the wikipedia page describing an incredible phenomenon born out of television crossovers and the original TV-series-shocker-ending (no offense, Sopranos). Let's discuss!

St. Elsewhere, the medical drama that launched Denzel's career, featured a minor character named Tommy Westphall, the autistic son of one of the main doctors. Tommy was barely in the show for its 6 seasons, but he made a name for himself in the finale, if I may allow Wikipedia to BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

"As the camera pans away from the snow beginning to fall at St. Eligius hospital, the scene changes to Donald Westphall's autistic son Tommy, along with Daniel Auschlander in an apartment building. Westphall arrives home from a day's work, and it is clear that he works in construction from the clothes he wears. "Auschlander" is revealed to be Donald's father, and thus Tommy's grandfather. Donald laments to his father, "I don't understand this autism. I talk to my boy, but...I'm not even sure if he ever hears me...Tommy's locked inside his own world. Staring at that toy all day long. What does he think about?" The toy is revealed to be a snow globe with a replica of St. Eligius hospital inside. Tommy shakes the snow globe, and is told by his father to come and wash his hands, after having left the snow globe on the family's television set."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!

First off... that is awesome. But the magic doesn't end there! The prevailing opinion on this last scene is that it indicates that the ENTIRE 6-season run of St. Elsewhere exists only in Tommy's mind. ALL SIX SEASONS OF MEDICAL DRAMA, totally undone with one two-minute scene. How nuts is that?

And there's more! St. Elswhere's many seasons featured a myriad of appearances by characters from other shows, most notably Homicide: Life on the Streets. (I'm looking at YOU Det. Munch!) According to the reigning train of thought, there are 282 shows that, thanks to the power of TV crossover, exist only as figments of Tommy Westphall's imagination. (Look at the full chart of Tommy's crazy imaginary shows HERE)

HOW. COOL. IS. THIS.

[Fun Haggy Sidebar: Tommy Westphall was played by CHAD ALLEN, who is now out and proud and stars in some of the many cheesy adorable gay movies I obsessively watch. Wheeee!]

I'm BACKKKK

2010-03-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've been absent from the blogosphere all weekend because I've been LIVIN' IT UP with my bestie Tina, who is in town for a drug-fueled week of partying with B-list celebrities. By which I mean, dancing at Cherry Pop and swimming in the pool of a wealthy benefactor. Here is a grainy picture of a go-go dancer breaking it down on the dance floor.

Tina is leaving soon (TRAGEDY) and then it will just be me and the pool (until the end of the week) and I plan on doing nothing but lazing around. When you are housesitting for someone whose standard of living is so extremely superior to yours, what do you do with your time there? Do you swim in the gorgeous salt-water pool? Do you relax in the hot tub? Do you watch their HBO, Showtime, and considerable DVD collection? Do you take baths in their amazing tub? Do you lie in their clouds-of-heaven bed? How can I maximize this vacation?! Advice please.

Just so long as they don't bump Man vs Wild...

2010-03-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

Read the Reuters article HERE.

I mean, at least it will be ripe for comedy, right? If Sarah Palin's new show is just about the Alaskan Wilderness and not about her political views (no doubt culled from the "vast variety of sources where [she gets her] news") then I imagine we can expect to be entertained by her loose grasp on the English language without the depression of her hatemongering. Don't get me wrong, I still plan on not watching (high ratings are the last thing that dumb bitch needs... the first being a dictionary) but I'm sure there will be a plethora (look it up, PALIN) of derogatory youtube clips featuring that awkward delivery we've all come to know and despise from our lady of Wasilla...

UMMMMMMM...

2010-03-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT A LOUBOUTIN.

UNIVERSITY OF ANDY

2010-03-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

I am... so glad that this exists.

Mushrooms: one hell of a drug.

You Belong With Me

2010-03-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

Chalk this up as.... amazing. A gay version of "You Belong With Me?" Like it wasn't already one of the most adorable music videos I've ever seen? It's like the Universe knows I've been having a rough week and sent the University of Rochester to cheer me up!

Enjoy:

The only way I think this could have been improved is if the part of the girlfriend had been played by the guy in a brunette wig like in the original. Or if they'd kissed at the end! If you're going for a shot-for-shot remake at least go all the way!

Slo-Mo is the new Real-Time-Mo

2010-03-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted on my music blog about this amaaaaazing video of dogs and lasers in slow motion. And now today I see THIS: slow motion hair movements! Thanks to Henry Holland for posting this and enjoy enjoy ENJOY

Best Discovery of All Time?

2010-03-05T09:35:00.001-08:00

I have only JUST NOW DISCOVERED that there is a talk show on Russia's Channel 1 (the NBC of Russian television) that is called, and I am quoting here, "ProjectorParisHilton." WHY AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS. I feel like I have been asleep my whole life and am only now waking.

Here is a video of Oscar-nominee and Golden Globe award winner Mickey Rourke stumbling cluelessly through an interview while sporting my 1993 haircut:

And here's another clip with Hugh Jackman, and for the non-Russian speaker I recommend this clip because it's translated so even if Hugh Jackman doesn't quite know what the hell is going on, at least you will!

The four-guys-around-a-table format gives me "the View" vibes, only this show is actually entertaining! All four are successful Russian comedians outside of the show, and none of them make me want to gauge my ears out with a broken pencil, so bonus!

BEST GIF EVER

2010-03-03T10:12:00.001-08:00

100%

2010-03-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of a dog jumping on a trampoline:

Trampoline Dog - watch more funny videos

I didn't even notice this MAJOR MILESTONE fly past, but two entries ago marks my ONE HUNDREDTH POST. What I wild journey you and I have been on, reader(s?)! Back when I started this blog it was mostly gibberish, and now look! It's gibberish and videos of dogs on trampolines. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS PROGRESS.

This is awesome.

2010-02-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

Please immediately investigate www.tubedubber.com, an incredible website that allows you to dub over your favorite youtube videos with your favorite youtube soundtracks. Get ready to waste time!

(Editor's note: since the site doesn't let you embed, this post brought to you by a photo discovered in a google search for "glamour")

Here's one that I didn't do but can't stop watching

And here's a really beautiful one I just made

and HERE'S another one I just did that actually kind of works?

Give Me the Night

2010-02-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

My bestie Megan sent me over this song and I knew IMMEDIATELY that I needed to share it with any and everyone. Can we talk for a minute about what is happening in this video?

First of all, the moves. What is it about a noncommittal forward shoulder-shrug that's just so damn cool? Especially when combined with an almost Carlton-esque swing of the hips and a towards-the-camera reach that I thought only happened between me and the mirror. Also, turning in circles as an appropriate dance move has to be awarded for sheer ballsiness, and the hand motions that happen at 1:50 come straight from the dance moves I incorporate into car-dancing, so obviously an extra ten points there. I also LOVE how he becomes more and more animated as the song goes on.

Second: the outfits. Oversized blazers. High-waisted gold spandex capris. ONE GLOVE. This is the dream right here, people. The DREAM.

I have done some rather extensive google-searching and I'm not coming up with a lot of information on Facts & Fiction, which sadly is pretty common for Italo artists. At least we have this, a wikipedia article devoted to some of the most popular Italo songs of the 80s. If you have some time to google, start looking into these tracks because they are pretty much all amazing. Do you have a favorite Italo track? Mine is probably Komiko's "Feel Alright" , unless The Source counts in which case it HAS to be "You've Got the Love."

Unfortunately the video cuts out at 2:47, but because I like to share, click HERE to download the song in it's entirety yourself. Italo all day all night!

Wheee!

2010-02-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

Yes obviously I've been watching the Olympics. Last night I was probably more nervous than Johnny was, but I NEEDN'T HAVE WORRIED. Johnny brought it, tassel and all. Instead of embedding a low-quality youtube video allow me to just send you over to Gawker where they not only host his lovely performance, they also give it pretty much the exact same commentary I would, just more eloquently.

I know the odds of him medaling are low and I am trying to keep my expectations in check, but what I wanted for Johnny was to skate a clean, good program, which he totally did. What an awesome way to approach the Olympics!

Oh and Johnny Weir quote of the day? On sharing his athlete's village apartment with that hottie Tanith Belbin he said "She stayed out all day today so I could run around naked and watch 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and enjoy myself and just relax before the competition. And I'm going to do the same for her."

Soulmate alert.

V-Day not D-Day!

2010-02-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

USA is my marathon channel of choice. Where else can I spend an entire day watching mysteriously ill people or mysteriously raped people instead of leaving the house or speaking to humans? Plus they tell me that I, as a "character," am welcome. Not like that dumb "Conformists Only!" motto that FX has.

Anyway, it's Valentine's weekend and I have successfully avoided having a date for the second year in a row! Congratulations? I don't really have a problem being alone on Valentine's day, especially because I have been reading a lot of Rev Run's Wisdom on twitter. He has a lot of great perspective on being a singleton on such a couple-centric day. Some prime examples:

"If ur V-day is a we-day or a me-day.. just make sure ur loving ur self! - (Daily Love"

"Heres the point:: If u have some1 and ur happy.. gr8! if ur single and ur happy. gr8!.. period!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen:: Having a mate on Valentines Day is NOT mandatory... Loving friends are an asset!"

I especially like this last one. I am very lucky to have some totally awesome friends, actually pretty much the most awesome friends. Did you know that some people go through life not having any best friends? I have THREE best friends (and they are all on the internet here, here and here). And they all like each other!

There is an episode of Friends where Ross and Susan (the ex's girlfriend) are arguing over what to name the baby and Phoebe tells them that the baby is lucky to have people care so much that they are actually having an argument about who loves the kid more. Sometimes when you are miserable that people are upset with you it's easy to forget how lucky you are to have people care enough to get mad.

This post is brought to you by the TWO RAINBOWS I saw hovering over Los Angeles a couple of days ago which is a rarity. I know I'm being a cheeseball, but it's the holidays(!) so it feels appropriate. Be happy for the people you have around you! You deserve the best and if you believe it you can achieve it!

Puppy Love

2010-02-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

Hey team,

Sorry I took some time off! I had a brief but life-enriching puppy love affair with one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen in my LIFE! She is not mine, tragically, but she is being cared for and smothered with affection by a coworker who has been bringing her into work and letting me be COOL AUNT AUBREY. Our work-avoiding time together has been the nicotine patch of my puppy addiction, as observed in the clips below where I am clearly getting a lot done.

Use the future to imitate the past!

2010-02-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

Were you worried that having your iPhone half-stuck in the shallow pocket of your skinny jeans isn't quiiiiite hipster enough? Well, there's this now:

the HIPSTAMATIC, an iPhone app that takes shitty iPhone pictures and, harnessing the power of technology, turns them into intentionally shitty iphone pictures!

Below are some self-aggrandizing, narcissistic hipster photos I took since downloading this app (which even though I'm giving it a hard time, is the funnest app I've EVER had.)

Isn't this exciting?! Now what I need is a program that will convert things I've already photographed into Holga photos!

Hot Mama

2010-02-01T11:12:00.000-08:00

VERY IMPORTANT!! This exists: the DRAGULATOR, a website that will turn any hot piece into a hot piece in drag.

Also, did you know that James St. James (yes, that James St. James) blogs? Big thanks to Tina for sending me to this particular link in the fabric of my personal space-time continuum. James St. James seems to just blog about whatever, which I LOVE (arewethesameperson!?) and he pays special attention to hot celebrities (ask yourself, have you ever seen us in the same room?!) and fashion (ImeanREALLY).

Tina and I are thinking of starting a music blog, but am I putting my finger in too many pies (questionable imagery alert!)? I already have this TOTALLY AWESOME BLOG with Daily Beaster Virginia Smith, plus 40 hours a week of gainful employ. I think we will do it anyway though, so that I can redecorate yet another blogspot template. Can I get some unicorns up in here!?!

Unrelated story: my roomie doesn't understand how I can like Lisa Frank if I hate Ed Hardy. Are they working together? Yes, and does it break my heart? Also yes. But it's LISA FRANK! Everything is neon and there are unicorns involved. Why on EARTH would he think I wasn't going to collect her stuff in my sticker book (right next to my pog collection)??

That last paragraph is a little soul-sucking. Honestly what was the point of life before the internet?

Is it raining where you are?

2010-01-28T16:29:00.000-08:00

If so, please listen to the following. This song speaks brilliantly to the desire to:

*wallow over a past relationship

*in the rain

*then perhaps turn that raw emotion into cathartic dancing?

I'm still kicking myself for not immediately exploring Fear of Tigers when he came out last fall. His entire album (which is FREE AND LEGAL TO DOWNLOAD) would have stolen the top spot on my 2009 list, for sure.

Oh Johnny.

2010-01-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

Well spring is upon us (at least here in Los Angeles) and as you know it is the SEASON D'AMOUR. I myself have a new love, and his name is Johnny Weir.

Am I late to the game on this one? I remember the last Winter Olympics in 2006, when he DAZZLED with his Swan routine, but I had no idea that we were also kindred spirits. Here is some proof that he is my doppelGAYnger (ugh sorry for that):

*RUSSOPHILE

*LOVES SERGEI LAZAREV (then again WHO DOESN'T)

*LOVES PUSHKIN

*HAS ADORABLE GAY BESTIE

*LOVES GLITTER AND NEON

I could go on but I won't, except to point your attention to a response he gave to someone who asked if he had any regrets about his life:

"I'll save looking for regrets to when I'm 100 years old rolling around in my rhinestone-studded wheelchair."

... OMG. Как сказать SOULMATES??

I (re?)discovered Johnny because Sundance OnDemand is showcasing the documentary Johnny Weir: Pop Star on Ice, which chronicles his miraculous rise to prominence. FUN FACT: he taught himself how to do jumps in his basement on a pair of roller skates when he was 12. Are you inspired? I AM. (advance apologies to my roommate for any household items broken as a result of me trying to copy his success on my roller skates). He also has an adorable pocketGay™ named Paris (yes he has a myspace!) which is always a surefire way to my heart. For a sport that is so ingrained in rules and tradition, Johnny is refreshingly up front about being who he is, telling the NY Times “if I was out to please 10-year-old girls and their 45-year-old mothers in Boise, Idaho, I could play the game and be nice and make my voice deeper. But I don’t see the point. I’m not alive for 10-year-old girls and their 45-year-old mothers in Boise, Idaho.” I mean he is basically the gay baby of Happy Gilmore and Missy Peregrym's character in Stick It.

Even if you missed the movie there is no excuse for you not immediately ordering Sundance so you can watch the next 7 episodes of his 8-part series Be Good Johnny Weir which is basically more of the same delightful antics we saw (okay, I saw) in the film. Plus the OLYMPICS are on us in a couple weeks (AAAH!) so the part of you that makes up for a lifetime of laziness by giving a shit about showcases of athletic ability once every four years should start planning now who you want to care a LOT about at the office water cooler on February 12th.

[Ed. Note: I know he has gotten some crap about wearing fur and I totally agree that wearing fur is NOT COOL, but I appreciate his honesty in answering those charges, and he makes a good point that "every skater is wearing skates made out of cow. Maybe I'm wearing a cute little fox while everyone else is wearing cow, but we're all still wearing animals."]

Oh and in case you are STILL NOT CONVINCED that Johnny is on my Top Ten Most-Wanted list for platonic life partners, (but how could you not be?!) please observe:

I mean... what more can I say?

Dreams really do come true

2010-01-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

Oversight

2010-01-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I met and had a LOVELY talk with an adorable gay named Brandon who works in fashion (DREAM!) and we talked about everything from divorced parent issues to Louboutins (HE GETS IT.) to my handsome roommate. He lives in New York but I felt a gay-girl connection that I am hopeful will trancscend our continental divide (like the bond between myself and the wonkster). Anyway the reason I bring it up is that he pledged his support should I embark on the LIFE GOAL TRAJECTORY that up to this point has been but a sweet dream (or a beautiful nightmare?) which is to become Grand Marshal of the Gay Pride Parade like my idol Chelsea Handler. Longer term goal is to be just like her, aka interviewing celebrities and surrounding myself with gay men. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!

Clearly living in West Hollywood is a big push in that direction, as evidenced by having also met frequent on-air Chelsea correspondent and "staff homosexual" GUY BRANUM at Fiesta Cantina this weekend! Here is a picture of me and Guy Branum. No color editing happened here, this is just the color that pictures come out in when they involve me and gay men (okay, not really but can you IMAGINE)

I told Guy that I wanted to be like Chelsea and he said I wanted to be "Number One Hag." I guess that's about right! I wish there was a nicer way to say it (I'd been using the phrase "Queen of the Gay Underworld" but in West Hollywood it's just the gay world) but c'est la vie!

Also important DANCE MUSIC NOTE: In putting together my 2009 music list I totally overlooked Fear of Tigers, who have been on basically everybody else's "Best of 09" list. It's not like they need my support but their entire album is incredible, so mentioning them is a public service to the Dreamwave community. I can't post everything but here is one of my favorites, "I Can Make the Pain Disappear" which features a vocal sample of the impossibly sexy Robin Thicke over one of the most satisfying pop candy dreamwave beats I've heard in a really long time. ENJOY:

Consideration

2010-01-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Is this funny?

I got my hair done recently at an Aveda training salon by a lovely young lady and I TOTALLY FORGOT TO TIP HER. I felt so bad I called the next day and had them put a tip on the account. The girl on the phone sounded really surprised. I guess nobody does that? I'm just trying to ADD A BIT OF CLASS TO THE UNIVERSE okay y'all?

I WILL BE HERE.

2010-01-14T08:29:00.001-08:00

I like this song, and I also like the music video even though I realllllllllly don't understand what's happening with that shirt.

I mean what's going on!? Is the guy real? Are his moves real? MORE INFORMATION PLEASE. The video was done by a Japanese director named Muto and when I was looking for more info about him I accidentally ended up on this guy's site. There's something equal parts tragic and sweet about this rand-o on the opposite side of the world trying to make a connection. Look what the internet can do for us!

Here is an example of how the internet can make your life better by imitating, with shocking accuracy, the lame shit you do in real life! http://firstpersontetris.com/ (thanks Daniel!)

DJ Tiesto's newest album also has a song with vocals by Tegan and Sara, which you can watch HERE. It's really good! That's right everyone, DJ Tiesto: introducing lesbians to dance music since 2009.

THROWIN' ON MAH LOUBOUTINZ

2010-01-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

Last night I repurposed a cookie jar in my house with a sign saying "LOUBOUTIN FUND" where I will be saving up money to buy my dream pair of VERY GALAXY LOUBOUTINS (pictured below). They are $1,295.00 which I think is very reasonable! (college loans? What college loans?) My roomie's mom does not understand why I would ever want to spend that much money on a pair of shoes, to which I can only reply "shu-WHA??! Exqueeeze me? BACON POWDER?!"* How could you NOT want to spend that much money on Louboutins? I am pretty sure that putting your feet into a pair of Louboutins is like (SPOILER ALERT) putting your Na'vi head braid into an Ikran if you know what I mean. You and the Louboutins are PAIRED FOR LIFE.

My family has given me a hard time in the last couple of years about not following my dreams in life, but now I truly am! I have set a goal that will take years to achieve and whose benefits will last a lifetime.

Christian Louboutin only has five boutiques in the whole country, only one of them in Los Angeles, and I found it ON ACCIDENT a few weeks ago. TRY TO TELL ME THIS IS NOT A SIGN.

I WANT THEM.

*see: Wayne's World.

BEST DANCE HITS OF 2009

2010-01-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

So I know I'm a million years behind everyone else’s Best-Ofs, but since no one cares anyway it hardly seems important.

EDITOR'S NOTE: in making this list I tried to a) avoid getting in trouble for blasting dance music at work, and b) avoid really popular songs that everyone's already heard of (let's not talk about how many plays "Fire Burning" has on my iPod). For the most part these are unknowns, on purpose, so please come to terms with that before you get all "I'm sorry, who?" on me.

1.ANNIE: Anthonio (Designer Drugs remix)

(Honorable Mention: Anthonio (Fred Falke remix)

I've been a fan of Annie's since college (FLASHBACK!) so I was really excited to know that she had a new album coming out and was getting remix love from some of my favorite artists, including the delightful banger boys Designer Drugs. The original of "Anthonio" (the tragic tale of a one night stand pregnancy set to an Italo track, what could be better?) is pretty great, but the Designer Drugs remix strips away most of the melancholy of the original and replaces it with a killer drum beat and an H1N1-level catchy hook.

2. GOSSIP: Heavy Cross (Fred Falke remix)

I have a weird fascination with Beth Ditto (or maybe a total normal one?) but it makes me sad that she refuses to realize her true potential and become a HOUSE DIVA like God intended. Gossip tracks are always catchy but when a remixer throws in a melody or bassline under Ditto’s sultry voice, that’s when magic really happens (see: LeTigre’s remix of “Standing in the Way of Control”). Enter Fred Falke, one of my top five remix artists working today, and the result is a bit of post-disco HEAVEN.

(For further research/delight, check out Gossip’s music video for “Love Long Distance”)

3. COEUR DE PIRATE: Comme Des Enfants (Le Matos Andy Carmichael remix)

This song is just pure candy. Beautiful French voices and that stuttering bass line? YES PLEASE.

4. TESLA BOY: Spirit of the Night

I would have loved these guys no matter what, because they are a Moscow-based trio who put out Euro-influenced Synthpop dance music which is basically unheard of in Russia (TRAGEDY). But on top of that, this song is pure unadulterated joy delivered in under 5 minutes. Can you ask for anything better?

5. TIE!!
BAT FOR LASHES: Daniel (Death Metal Disco Scene remix)

Daniel (Edwin Van Cleef remix)

If you have a problem with me throwing in a tie then you’ll have to help me out here, because I can’t decide which remix of Natasha Khan’s heartbreaker “Daniel” is better. The Death Metal Disco Scene is a wandering Picasso of the song, cutting things up and rearranging them while managing to stay honest to the mood of the original. In some ways the Edwin Van Cleef remix is more traditional, but it’s also more of a straight club jam and in that way more of a reimagining of mood. They’re both just SO GOOD though! I can’t decide, so you’re getting both.

(BONUS: the video for the original is really fun to watch, I recommend investigating that as well)

6. MIIKE SNOW: Animal (Treasure Fingers remix)

After a bunch of more melancholy dance songs, enjoy the Treasure Fingers remix of Animal, which is just plain FUN. Go ahead, close your eyes. Pretend you are at a beach party in Miami with a light buzz and a glowstick necklace (that means you, mom). Let this song be the soundtrack of your fantasies.

7. COLLEGE: She Never Came Back (Russ Chimes remix)

First of all, I love everything that Russ Chimes does, so it was no surprise that his take on “She Never Came Back” is in my top ten. But listening to this makes me want nothing more than a pair of aviator sunglasses and a fast car. (more so than usual, I mean).

8. THE SOUND OF ARROWS: Into the Clouds

Obviously a song that sounds like the lovechild of the Pet Shop Boys and the MarioKart soundtrack would have been high up on my favorites list anyway, but I was spoiled into this song by watching this video before I had ever heard the song without it. If any of you have ever wondered what shade of lens I view the world in, this video is it.

9. MARIAH CAREY: Obsessed (Jump Smokers remix)

OK Mariah does not fall into the “unknowns” category, but I’m including her anyway because this remix is club BANGER. Mariah isn’t remixed enough, as far as I’m concerned.

(BONUS: Designer Drugs remix of Mariah’s “Lovin’ U Long Time” is easily one of my top ten dance songs of all time)

10. VISITOR: Los Feeling (Rough Mix)

Another song that’s really meant to be enjoyed on a good car stereo system, preferably on an empty road in good weather. So good!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

11. LADY GAGA vs. BOB MARLEY: Could You Be Lovegame (credit where credit is due to the song that brought back a love for Gaga that I thought was gone forever)

12. PARALLELS: Resevoir

13. FUTURECOP! vs. CIARA: Fast Forward/1 2 Step

14. HALEY: This is How it Goes (Kaskade’s Grand Club edit)

15. COEUR DE PIRATE: How Do I Let You Know

2010-01-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

List of resolutions for 2010 I probably would have made but am glad I didn't because they would already have been broken:

- exercise every day (HAHA.)

- go to bed at a reasonable hour

- don't tan without sunscreen

- don't hang out exclusively with gay men

- don't spend money on DVDs and pricey drinks

OFF TO A GREAT START!

Google image search reveals: this absolutely hi-LAAAAAAR-ious comic about the new year.

I like that this comic implies that if Calvin were a NORMAL 6-year-old he would have resolutions in the new year. My resolutions at age 6 were almost exclusively involved with getting my hands on as much sugar as possible.

This song has been stuck in my head for ALL OF 2010 even though it's from 2003. You are welcome for reminding you of this!

(fun sidebar: searching for the youtube link led me to this article on Madonna's long history of collaboration with hip hop. Hey everyone, remember when she was interesting?)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2010-01-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 2010. Can I be real with you guys for a second? People keep walking around here bitching and moaning about how the 2000s was the "Decade From Hell" (I'm looking at YOU Time Magazine). Like the 90s were so fucking special? Please. Here are just a few of the really great things that happened in the 2000s:

YouTube!

Black President
the Mars Rover took pictures of Mars (so cool right?)
GOOGLE

And don't come back at me with a "look at all these tragedies" comment - the teens are a decade for positive thinking, okay team? Global resolution: Believe in yourself! Be your own rainbow!

I'll leave you with a video of a puppy licking an ice cube. How can you possibly be upset with the world when this is possible:

CUTE ANIMAL VIDEOS

2009-09-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

I think my heart just EXPLODED:

Also, this is hilarious:

GOD, Aubrey, seriously, get back to work.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

2009-09-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

The real question is where have I been, and there really is no good answer. Here's something new:

It's a tattoo! It's all healed now, but I don't have any pictures of the final product yet. Basically as soon as The Todd stopped tattooing me I wanted another one. Thank god it's a costly addiction, or I would have about five million. DON'T WORRY MOM! I'll just stick to cocaine for now!

I've been watching a lot of True Blood lately (enough that I've started thinking in Southern accents, no fucking joke), and I can't get over how great the opening credits are. A little labor-intensive research (read: wikipedia) informed me that they're done by a group called Digital Kitchen, who also do the opening credits for Six Feet Under, Dexter, House, and a bunch of other tv shows, as well as a ton of commercials. If you have a few minutes to be impressed, go here
and watch their videos. My favorite one is the opener for "The Company" [WATCH IT BELOW] which I guess was a miniseries? I don't even remember it airing, but watching the opening sequence is enough to have me adding the whole thing to my Netflix queue.

The Company Main Titles from DIGITALKITCHEN on Vimeo.

2009-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

THIS is way too much fun. You enter a URL or body of text and it tells you what words are used the most. For my blog, "like" and "movie" are vastly above all else. I'm kind of ashamed and also kind of proud. And why is Frodo so big? Have I really said it that often?

Let's get Gayrried

2009-05-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

That beautiful caption job was supposed to be for an article about how people need to get a grip and stop expecting Terminator: Salvation to be the second coming of post-apocalyptic adventure films, and just accept that it is an awesome action-adventure movie featuring hot people shooting things. Since when has that not been enough?

However, the sad news coming out of Sacramento today is making me rethink what's most important for me, a blogger with a clearly ENORMOUS following and the real chance to impact political decisions that have already been made, to talk about. So instead of calling out T:S haters, I'm going to pretend that my husband (seen above) is telling homophobes to fucking GET OVER IT already, because I can't believe we are still having this conversation. There's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said more eloquently, so let's just leave it at... fuck you, California. You're better than this.

Same Shit, Different Bidet

2009-05-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

I found this picture buried in my sketchbook. It's not clear what expression I thought I was drawing, but it sort of looks like she's about to let loose a serious fart. Good luck, lady!

I also found the drawing below. These ladies were in a "girlie show" in 1914, which is a fancy way of saying striptease. Strippers in the old days looked classier than regular people today. Is this progress?!?!?!

In other feminist news, the Vatican Army might start allowing women to join. Even though the modern woman in me (haha ew) is excited about this, I can't help but feel like it's another addition to a long line of shitty peace offerings to minority groups. Like gays in the army or getting to work as a bean-picker. Besides, can you imagine a lamer job? Does the pope even need protection? What can your silly Vatican guard hat do that an omnipotent protector can't? (besides look FABULOUS with heels?)

Actually I take back that last joke. For one thing, it was too easy. For another, God probably rocks the shit out of a pair of stilletos.

Ugh, Thursday.

2009-04-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of a lady in a big hat that I drew for my boss. Geez the scanner at work is crappy! I wish they still had hats like that. What's old is new again, right?

I'm trying to find tickets to visit the other half of my heart, Megan, in St. Petersburg, but they are all SO expensive! Why do planes cost so much money? Or more to the point, why don't I have lots of money? Then I wouldn't need Kevin Spacey to convince me to fly business class.

Anyway. Tuesday night I went to a special pre-screening of Public Enemies, the new Michael Mann movie. I felt like a star! Except for the hour-long wait and not being able to sit with my friend. A real movie star would never have had to put up with that shit! But the movie was good. Am I allowed to say that? They never said I couldn't. And I dare say I'm not ruining the story (public record!) I like John Dillinger but when are they going to make a movie about Ma Barker? I guess they sort of made one in '96 (ironically also called Public Enemies) but it looks like the worst thing ever. I want a good Ma Barker movie and I want Boney M to do the theme song:

Britain DOES have talent

2009-04-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

My idol:

by luloczek

How can I describe how much I love this woman except to say that a lone tear escaped and trickled down my face like this:

(I was tempted to post a picture of Frodo crying after Gandalf disappears into the mines of Moria, so I googled "Frodo crying" and it was the first entry! ... I feel weird about that. I feel weird about all of this.)

Wolvertweens

2009-04-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

After MONTHS of scorn, my aversion to twitter disappeared in one lazy afternoon. Where is my resolve? Remember a little bit ago when I was bitching about my fear of technology? (me neither). Well, it turns out my fears and my scruples all pale in the face of mass conformity. Should I be ashamed about that? I guess I am a little. It's confusing when my idols are just as pathetic as I am.

On Wikipedia today I learned about allotropy, which is the ability of elements to combine with one another in different ways, producing totally different molecular structures (I'm paraphrasing and hopefully not getting it wrong). When most people think about allotropes... well, most people don't. But of those who do, most of them think of diamonds and granite, which are made of the same elements but obviously are not the same. But there are also lots of other kinds of allotropes, none of which are at all interesting. Except in the world of make-believe, where I learned that Adamantium has 13 allotropes that all do craaaaaaaazy shit to Wolverine. Speaking of which, did you know that Wolverines are part of the weasel family? Raise your hand if you're less impressed now.

And to the gents out there, even if you are lucky enough to find a girl who also thinks it's funny to fart in the bedroom, you still will probably not be able to get away with proposing with a piece of granite. I hope cleverness keeps you warm at night, because you'll be sleeping ALONE.

tattoo update

2009-03-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

My friend the Chipster got himself a sweet tat last night (image altered to protect the sexy) and it reminded me that I should still be working on getting a sweet tat of my own. NOT A TATTOO. A sweet tat. Duh there's a difference.

Anyway, last time I talked about getting a tattoo I was debating between Eddie Campbell and some other sketch artists. Eddie Campbell was my frontrunner because he does messed-up scratchy line drawings like this:

and has a ravishing disregard for conventions of shading and clarity of image.

I also love that Eddie Campbell has the artistic ability to create incredibly realistic illustrations, but focuses his energies on conveying expression and mood.

Which is also why, when my tattoo ideas ran over to the other side of the Cold War, I started leaning towards the work of A. Nikitin, who no one has ever heard of except that he did the illustrations for Daniil Kharms' amazing book "Anecedotes from the Life of Pushkin."

Keep reading if you're willing to tolerate the complete geek-out that's about to happen over my fave Russian author. Otherwise scroll down for pictures of a hot chick in a bikini.

Anyway, Daniil Kharms was a totally weird motherfucker who lived in the Soviet period and wrote twisted children's stories and spent all of his money on weird hats. He was exiled and eventually put in a mental hospital, where he died of starvation during the Nazi blockade. I know you're starting to get depressed by this story, but you shouldn't be. Even though his life was the worst thing ever, he still wrote hilarious things and refused to wallow in the misery that was the status quo for most of his peers at the time. His humor was really Russian and I'm not goign to try to recreate it here, because (this is sounding boozhier than intended) it doesn't always translate that well. One time I was watching this episode of ER and one of the doctors said "life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you deal with what happens to you," and even though it's embarrassing to take a life motto from an ABC drama that jumped the shark when I was in middle school but still airs for some reason, I find that outlook really comforting. Kharms embodies that really well, which is why I like his works.

He did a lot of drawings of his own, but the images that capture his mood best of all are by the myseterious A. Nikitin, who I can't find anywhere else on the whole internet - shocking, I know. They're line drawings that are almost childlike in their simplicity, but the expressions are spot-on. So far I am leaning towards this image, if I can find a way to not do it in a box:

Any thoughts from the 4 people who read this?

And, as promised, two hot babes for the price of one:

ugh

2009-03-04T08:35:00.000-08:00

My landlady gave me a key to the downstairs door a couple days ago, and I lost it in a quick minute somewhere in my room. I have this memory of having found it last night and put it in my jeans, but it's not there. I think I dreamed it, but what a fucking dumb dream! Is that the best that I can come up with?? When my best friend Tina has a dream that she is conducting an important business meeting in a Rorschach mask and my response is "I had a dream that I found a key, but I didn't" that's fucking sad. And I apologize for the swearing but recent life stressers have made me a cranky little bitch. When you are annoyed enough to, without provocation, use "two shakes of a limp dick" as a measure of time, you need to unpack that yoga mat and get a fucking grip!

The Haunting

2009-02-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

People are always really worried about being haunted by ghosts, but it seems obvious to me that if you are being haunted, you probably did something to deserve it. The next time someone tells you that they are being haunted by a ghost, you should say "think back. Have you really really pissed off someone who then died? Did they die from being pissed off so hard?" You can also piss off someone who is already dead, like by sleeping with their widow(er) or desecrating their name. One time I said something mean about birds, and the next day the driver's side door of my car was covered in bird poop, even though I wasn't parked under a tree. They KNEW. And I paid for it.

Below is a picture I made of my friend Megan seeing me shrouded in the ghostly haze of the undead. See how I'm still smiling? Megan didn't upset me to the death, nor did she desecrate my memory by blowing off my FUNeral for a parking lot quickie or a JK Rowling book signing (which anyway would be forgivable).
I think that the percentage of angry-for-no-reason ghosts is equivalent to the percentage of people who put dirty syringes in change return slots in phone booths. It's just not that likely.
Probably you are dealing with some serious deflection issues and you need to take a good long look inside to see how your actions might be affecting others. Affecting them to death.

...that being said, try to avoid having sex in a cemetery. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, weirdo I studied abroad with)

2009-02-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

Question: is Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso hot?

Can you name your world leaders? Also, did you know that the Japanese legislature is called the Diet? They have a House of Representatives and a House of Councillors, which sounds cool and evil (not mutually exclusive!) Also, when they started the Diet system back in 1889 (the same year that two of my favorite corporations, Coca Cola and Nintendo, were founded) it was called the Imperial Diet, which sounds awesome. Do you think if I called my diet an Imperial Diet it would be easier to follow?

A Few Things...

2009-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

My best friend, confidante and artistic idol Megan has posted on her blog about the creative works of another dear friend of mine, Ian, who is marking the end of analog with a pirate TV performance on June 12th of this year. If you live in Pittsburgh you should check this out. You can even submit a video! (No porn, please.) Learn more about his project here.

When Ian and I lived together he was always fiddling around with some sort of tech thing or another, notably paper-mache speakers and cassette-tape wall art. I'm glad to know that he's still thinking big thoughts and sharing them with the universe thanks to the world wide web.

Here is probably my favorite picture of Ian (taken by this hottie):

That's a face ready to defend analog to the death (metal). Plus he's actually a really nice guy!

Remember that scene in Live Free or Die Hard when Thomas Gabriel tells John McClane, "you're an analog watch in a digital age, John." Sometimes I feel like that. But if you thought I wasn't embracing the suffocating grasp of technology, you're only part right! I may be afraid that my future children will grow up illiterate and lose their virginities in AOL chat rooms, but there are also some major advantages to having access to technology.

Advantage #1: Organ harvesting (the legal kind!)
Advantage #2: Electronic music. For example, last night I used TECHNOLOGY to make a headbanger playlist, which you can listen to right here!

Lets Get Fucked Up & Dance - White Knights

Probably this is a playlist best served with a side of glowsticks, ecstasy, and a bathtub full of laced punch, but we do what we can.

Oahu

2009-01-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

Here is another picture I drew! This one was for a coworker's birthday and I was three days late. I can't even cop out of getting a real gift successfully.
Man, between this picture and the picture I drew last week, where am I even finding the time to sleep, am I right? I am so busy and important and crazy succesful.

Anywonk. Who here watches Dr. Horrible? This is my new favorite pastime. Remember when I posted that one time that Conan O'Brien's Diary was the best thing to come out of the Writer's Strike of last year? (Besides fair distribution of ad fees blah blah blah who cares) Maybe I didn't post about it, maybe I just said it in conversation, or to my doll Max. What? I mean my friends. Anyway I stand corrected. My favorite thing about the writer's strike is now Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, a web exclusive from Joss Whedon (eh) and Neil Patrick Harris (hot) that features superheroes (always cool) and is a musical (very occasionally cool) but since it's Neil Patrick Harris singing it works for me (see: Prop 8 Musical). This is old news but it's new to me and I've watched it repeatedly.

White Knights takes the stage

2009-01-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

Here is a DJ set that I made for the holidays. Don't you want me to play in your club? I thought so, club promoters!

Acme: Party ONE - White Knights

2009-01-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

"Mmmm. Fajitas sound delicious!"

I drew this picture, which is actually not about fajitas. It's about two gents rescued from a ship sinking in the early part of the 20th century. Remember when people used to take ships everywhere?
Neither do I.

2009-01-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

According to BBC, Steve Jobs is in declining health. Perhaps his portrait was somehow damaged and all the sins went flying back onto his face.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T15:54:00.000-08:00

I thought I could be ahead of the game this year and come up with the perfect gratingly-catchy rhyme-based sentiment to describe the new year, a "great in '08" for the new generation that isn't accurate enough to be depressing ("economic decline in 2009"). I turned to an online rhyming dictionary for answers, but came away more confused than ever.
Once you get into 6 syllable rhymes for nine things start to get interesting.
Personal favorites:
- alpine celery pine
- acoustic delay line
- willard van orman quine

Are these even real words?

Anyway, to ring in the new year I went to Riverside (home of the Whopper) to go to a New Year's Party at Megan's house, a small affair where I accidentally got drunk and then drunk-dialed my sister, who I forgot was with my mother. I PLAYED IT COOL but since both of them read this the secret's out.

Here's something irritating: when people say they are allergic to traits, behaviors, turn-of-phrases, etc. Example: In I, Robot Will Smith tells someone that he's "allergic to lying." NO YOU AREN'T WILL SMITH. Disapproval is not a disorder of the immune system.
I also hate it when people say they're allergic to foods that they don't like. Just say you don't like it! You're not offending the mushrooms by not liking them. They don't like you either! If mushrooms were anthropomorphic they'd probably want to thank you for not eating them anyway. That being said, it is my most ardent wish to have a real-life moment where I can be invited to eat shrimp for dinner and tell someone I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, due to my paralyzing allergy to oxymorons. If this happens I will even break out the epinephrine shot as a prop.

2008-12-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

More reasons to love Jon Stewart, as if you needed any.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

SNOREZOPOLIS

2008-12-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

I posted a bunch of pictures on my flickr account of that semester I spent eating and feeling sorry for myself in Vladimir. You can look at them HERE. There are a lot of sad Russian winter pictures: sunless days, grey nights, dirty snow and homeless dogs. But there are also a lot of Russian fall pictures of miraculously blue days and beautiful churches and crap. What a weirdo country.

I took woodcarving lessons from an old dude who lived in the outer regions featured in the above photo. His house was even more intense. Every inch of it was carved. He had two grandchildren who lived with adopted parents in Indiana and had American names like Nick and Steve or something. The parents sent him long emails, which someone would translate into Russian for him. I told him if I was ever in Indiana I would look them up, but I haven't even written him a letter. I am a shitty ex-student.

I've been reading Craig Thompson's Carnet de Voyage lately. It's different than his other, more thought-out works, but also the same. Same borderline neurotic, self-effacing romantic sensibilities. It makes me want to return to my old Russian journals and drawings and compile them into a body of work that I wouldn't be ashamed to show people. I'm afraid I'll look back and find nothing but whining.

Boy has this blog been unhumorous recently. Here's an offensive joke:

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

Look to the comments section for the horrendous answer!

Sometimes I think about getting rid of comments, to delude myself that I have a myriad of avid readers and just don't have to time to respond to them. But I'm too desperate for human interaction. HAHAHA no, really.

the good kind of dairy

2008-12-06T17:04:00.000-08:00

This afternoon the movie Milk caused strange rumblings of emotion in the pit of my cold, dead heart. It's pretty fucking tragic that I knew almost nothing about Harvey Milk before watching this movie. Is nobody teaching history anymore? Why isn't this important?

I was trying to find the silver (okay, rainbow) lining of Prop 8 a few weeks ago, and I told my friend Elaine that it signaled, as all tragedies of civil rights do, a resurgence of a powerful tool of the cause called: giving a fuck. If you look back at the history of the gay rights movement in America, strides forward have been taken almost exclusively in response to tragedy. Stonewall? check. Harvey Milk? check. Matthew Shephard? check.

If there's any comfort to be taken away from the shitstorm that was Prop 8, it's that it startled a lot of complacent people enough to get pissed. I consider it a temporary setback - an awful and disappointing one to be sure, but temporary. There have always been gay people. There will always be gay people. Even if it takes another hundred years for the bigots to die out (and they will) there will be gay people in a hundred years too.

I had the privilege of seeing Angela Davis speak a few years ago, and what I remember most distinctly about the speech was her emphatic insistence that we remember the shitty, embarrassing parts of our history. Her example was Abu Ghraib. Mine is Matthew Shephard. Gus Van Sant's is Harvey Milk.

LOOK IT UP.

p.s. on the issue of Gay Activism (who?? what?) Durban Bud says this:

Besides protesting outside organizations that seek to demean us, the gays and their allies need to do something provocative to bring attention to the individual meanies who continually disrespect us behind our backs. An animal rights activist recently threw flour on poor Lindsay Lohan for wearing fur. In the past, similar activists have branded fur-wearing bitches with red paint. This strategy works. Whenever we now see a sophisticated woman in tears walking down the street with red paint splattered all over her fancy attire, we think to ourselves, "Wow -- that woman must hate animals, or maybe she must have gotten into a fight with her pimp. Regardless, I think I will avoid her in the future. She's scum."

Maybe instead of red paint or flour we could sprinkle our mean-spirited adversaries with glitter. Glitter might appear to be harmless and an easily removable annoyance, but, as someone who used to go clubbing regularly, I can attest that little specks of glitter -- covertly transmitted from brief non-consensual contact with a grinding tina twink -- will remain on your person for days until a senior VP points it out during an all-staff meeting in the company conference room by saying, "Can you turn your head a little bit? I think I saw a little sparkle shining on you or something." As he leans in for a closer inspection he shouts, "OMG -- are you wearing glitter?!?"

I LOVE THIS IDEA.

Today

2008-11-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I met Barack Obama at some function. I was trying to play it cool like I knew who he was but wasn't so thrilled that he was talking to me that I wanted to pee my pants like an excited puppy (a puppy in pants!) We got along really well and somewhere in the course of the evening we held hands. He had a firm grip and cocoa buddah skinnn but I was seriously worried that someone would think he was cheating on Michelle.

What does this mean? A quick and potentially embarrassing google search revealed THIS:

Obama Supporters Dream of Romance With Their Candidate While McCain Supporters Dream of Marriage

Brand new research conducted by Dream Expert and Author Lauri Quinn Loewenberg reveals that Obama supporters’ dreams include spicy romps in the hay with the candidate while McCain supporters’ dreams involve a walk down the aisle with their candidate of choice.

THE MOST COMMON THEME RUNNING THROUGH OBAMA’S SUPPORTERS’ DREAMS:

#1 - Having a romantic affair with Obama

According to Loewenberg, this is because Obama has swooped in out of nowhere and has created
a passion within his supporters. They have a romantic fantasy about an Obama presidency that is as alluring to them as what you find in the pages of a romance novel.

#2 - Protecting Obama from assasins

Loewenberg claims this was such a common theme because it is one of those things people don't want to talk about. It's like the elephant in the room. There is an underlying fear that Obama would be more of a target for assassins than other presidents because he is interracial.

#3 - Obama takes over the world and Armageddon ensues

Loewenberg found this interesting coming from Obama supporters, but claims if you apply Dream Psychology to this theme, it would reflect their hope that his presidency would put an end to the world as they now know it so that a new one can emerge. But she also believes this common theme reflects another underlying fear that Biden brought up... that an Obama presidency would be tested by our enemies.

Hit and a Miss

2008-11-19T00:34:00.000-08:00

HI GUYS! Sorry you've been missing out on my trademark wit and charm lately. I've been busy being a SUPER BORING adult, but ever since I won the Presidential election two weeks ago I've been trying to be more interesting. The American people deserve it!

Here's a picture to tide you over until I come up with something worth sharing with you.
Isn't he just a dream? I never had a mullet, but I had a rat tail for far longer than I should have. Remember when I talked about being a part of the glorious Newsies: redux backyard production? Here is proof:

I'm the hottie on the lower right. Can you believe that sexy pose? I wish I still looked this good.

OH HAI

2008-10-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

Political action is hottttttttttttt.

2008-10-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

RIP Mother's

2008-10-13T13:38:00.001-07:00

Tragedy of the day (century):

Mother's Cookies have gone bankrupt!!! My children will never know the sweet golden taste of an animal cracker soaked in colored frosting and topped with sprinkles. They can only imagine the joy childhood USED to hold.

Mother's was founded after Woodrow Wilson declared Mother's Day a national holiday. It is a celebration of motherhood, and of sugar (in a good way - see below).

In honor of the untimely passing of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, I have prepared a short poem which I wrote, all by myself, without any help from anyone, especially not WH Auden:

Funeral Blues
by Aubrey Woolverton, not WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message "Mother's Circus Animal Cookies are Dead."
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Mother's Circus Animal Cookies were my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that circus animal cookies would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
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In case you care, here is a scene where Four Weddings and a Funeral takes my poem and totally changes the words and meaning to be about some dude, and not about Circus Animals. TACKY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_a-eXIoyYA&feature=related

And a video about MY one true love... you guessed it: Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. Special thanks to Joey Tribiani for existing in such a fashion.