OH HAI

Political action is hottttttttttttt.

RIP Mother's

Tragedy of the day (century):

Mother's Cookies have gone bankrupt!!! My children will never know the sweet golden taste of an animal cracker soaked in colored frosting and topped with sprinkles. They can only imagine the joy childhood USED to hold.

Mother's was founded after Woodrow Wilson declared Mother's Day a national holiday. It is a celebration of motherhood, and of sugar (in a good way - see below).

In honor of the untimely passing of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, I have prepared a short poem which I wrote, all by myself, without any help from anyone, especially not WH Auden:

Funeral Blues
by Aubrey Woolverton, not WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message "Mother's Circus Animal Cookies are Dead."
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

Mother's Circus Animal Cookies were my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that circus animal cookies would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
--------------------


In case you care, here is a scene where Four Weddings and a Funeral takes my poem and totally changes the words and meaning to be about some dude, and not about Circus Animals. TACKY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_a-eXIoyYA&feature=related




And a video about MY one true love... you guessed it: Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. Special thanks to Joey Tribiani for existing in such a fashion.

Things that are hilarious:
The Freemasons are officially titled as the United Grand Lodge of England, or UGLE. They ain't go no Alibee!



Have I gone retarded?

So, I've been trying to go off of sugar lately, which requires a level of self-control I don't really have. It's not just giving up sweets, it's also giving up everything that has processed sugars in it, which in case you haven't heard is... EVERYTHING.

Did you know that people on average eat 2-3 pounds of sugar EVERY WEEK? If that knowledge isn't enough to give you a coronary, the sugar sure will. HAHA but seriously, you're going to die.

Here's one cake I could go without eating:


And here is a list of the multitude of terrifying ways sugar can, and will, kill you softly, with its song. I stole this list VERBATIM off of the internet. So sue me (for plagiarism? According to wikipedia, "plagiarism has no standing as a criminal offense in the common law." HA.)

* Sugar can suppress the immune system.
* Sugar can upset the body's mineral balance.
* Sugar can contribute to hyperactivity, anxiety, depression, concentration difficulties, and crankiness in children.
* Sugar can produce a significant rise in triglycerides.
* Sugar can cause drowsiness and decreased activity in children.
* Sugar can reduce helpful high density cholesterol (HDLs).
* Sugar can promote an elevation of harmful cholesterol (LDLs).
* Sugar can cause hypoglycemia.
* Sugar contributes to a weakened defense against bacterial infection.
* Sugar can cause kidney damage.
* Sugar can increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
* Sugar may lead to chromium deficiency.
* Sugar can cause copper deficiency.
* Sugar interferes with absorption of calcium and magnesium.
* Sugar can increase fasting levels of blood glucose.
* Sugar can promote tooth decay.
* Sugar can produce an acidic stomach.
* Sugar can raise adrenaline levels in children.
* Sugar can lead to periodontal disease.
* Sugar can speed the aging process, causing wrinkles and grey hair.
* Sugar can increase total cholesterol.
* Sugar can contribute to weight gain and obesity.
* High intake of sugar increases the risk of Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis.
* Sugar can contribute to diabetes.
* Sugar can contribute to osteoporosis.
* Sugar can cause a decrease in insulin sensitivity.
* Sugar leads to decreased glucose tolerance.
* Sugar can cause cardiovascular disease.
* Sugar can increase systolic blood pressure.
* Sugar causes food allergies.
* Sugar can cause free radical formation in the bloodstream.
* Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy.
* Sugar can contribute to eczema in children.
* Sugar can overstress the pancreas, causing damage.
* Sugar can cause atherosclerosis.
* Sugar can compromise the lining of the capillaries.
* Sugar can cause liver cells to divide, increasing the size of the liver.
* Sugar can increase the amount of fat in the liver.
* Sugar can increase kidney size and produce pathological changes in the kidney.
* Sugar can cause depression.
* Sugar can increase the body's fluid retention.
* Sugar can cause hormonal imbalance.
* Sugar can cause hypertension.
* Sugar can cause headaches, including migraines.
* Sugar can cause an increase in delta, alpha and theta brain waves, which can alter the mind's ability to think clearly.
* Sugar can increase blood platelet adhesiveness which increases risk of blood clots and strokes.
* Sugar can increase insulin responses in those consuming high-sugar diets compared to low sugar diets.
* Sugar increases bacterial fermentation in the colon.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Last night I saw it as my patriotic duty to enjoy an American pastime more sacred than barbequing or racial profiling. I am talking, of course, about Neil Diamond.

Don't ask me how I got free tickets to his concert at LA's STAPLES Center. When something like that gets handed down to you from the heavens, you don't ask questions. You just attend a Neil Diamond concert.

Things of note:
- Neil Diamond has a great head of hair for a man of his age
- Neil Diamond has a great set of dance moves appropriate for a man of his age (here is an example of what I'm talking about)
- Neil Diamond apparently still isn't sick of singing "Sweet Caroline." So much so that he sang it TWICE IN A ROW.
- Neil Diamond has convinced thousands of people to pay thousands of dollars to see him perform. Think about that.
- Neil Diamond likes to gesture heavily while singing
- Neil Diamond's basic song profile is "I'm gonna talk a little bit then I'm gonna SING A LITTLE BIT then I'm talkin' a little bit then CONGO SOLO then let's talk a little more and SING A LITTLE MORE and WOOD FLUTE SOLO and let's bring it down a little bit, and a little bit of talking, and we're SINGING SOME MOREEEE."

I almost posted some videos on here of people recording themselves singing along to Neil Diamond, but it was too depressing. Here is a hilarious video of Neil himself performing the song that I can only imagine is playing 24 hours surround sound throughout the Neil Diamond mansion.